The Time the Stories Went Dark
The Second Annual Pro-Fun Troll Hoedown
(On-line HTML version at http://curry.250x.com/HoedownII/)
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Contents
1. Arrival
2. The party continues
3. An uninvited guest
4. Authorial Persona Manipulation
5. A stranger on horseback
6. Sailor Gallifrey held captive
7. Emergency! - the Reset Button
8. Is Kid Curry really guilty?
9. In search of the Master
10. The Circus Wagon on the plains of Titan Three
11. The plot begins to come clear
12. The search for Sailor Gallifrey
13. Kid Curry demands an explanation
14. Arrival at the Valeyard's cave
15. A traitor in their midst
16. The menagerie
17. Kid Curry's origins
18. The Sword of Authorial Freedom
19. Return of the Odd Trio
20. Confrontation with the Monitors
21. The first victory
22. Back in the TARDIS
23. Locked memories begin to crack
24. Kid Curry tells his story
25. Off to the Circus!
26. Trouble in Vortex City
27. Imran has a sudden flash of insight
28. Six gryphons
29. Preparing for the Psychic Circus
30. Preparing for the Psychic Circus (2)
31. The Contessa makes contact
32. The Gods of Ragnarok arrive
33. Daibhid gets stage fright
34. Harlequin and the Typo Gremlin
35. Nyctolops on the high wire
36. Cats and Dogs
37. Blinded by Rage
38. A challenge from the Gods of Ragnarok
39. The Fortune Teller
40. The charm reawakens
41. Echoes of another Universe
42. A Duel between the Doctors
43. Undead Gladiators
44. The Nth Doctor
45. The Equine Magic of the Twelve Sweethearts
46. Allie's collapse
47. A ghastly chariot race
48. Bokman and Zoe's magic act
49. Kid Curry goes to find Allie's soul
50. The Gods' magic act
51. Escape from the Cave of Annwn
52. Riding the outlaw trail
53. Gordon's pantomime
54. Interview with the Contessa
55. Conclusion of the pantomime
56. A hundred lost years
57. Siren's sister
58. Gordon's return
59. Sailor Gallifrey goes missing
60. The trapeze act
61. The Taming of the Fiercesome Beast
62. A judgement in the Underworld
63. Sandra and Allie
64. The Salamander
65. Starting to fight back - the finale
66. The song battle begins
67. Victory conceded
68. The Feather of Ma'at
69. The Odd Trio vanish
70. Dreams and other weirdness
71. Deciphering the Tarot
72. In the Glory
73. Monsters
74. In every ending is a beginning
75. Loose ends
76. A nice jar of home-cooked smoke
77. Epilogue
78. Credits
* * * 1. Arrival * * *
Let the Party Begin...
It is a warm May evening, and you are driving through the suburbs of
southeastern Virginia, hoping, maybe, to find a quiet beach for a long stroll
in the moonlight, just like you've always read about in the personals.
Unfortunately, you seem to have gotten very, very lost, and are trapped in a
maze of cul-de-sacs. The lawns are all as neatly manicured as a golf-course,
and the two car garages are all closed for the night. Peering into a few of
the windows, you catch glimpses of t.v.s with the evening news on, and
toy-strewn floors. You sigh. If there's any romance here, it's all very
domestic now. You decide to turn around and try to find your way home.
But you make a wrong turn, and drive into another cul-de-sac. The scene,
here, however, is very different. Cars of every shape and color, with
license plates from as far away as Australia and Finland, and every place
else, line the asphalt circle. Squeezed in between the cars are Police
Boxes, Greek pillars, and several free-standing doors, each draped with
black crepe, as though in mourning. The epicenter of all this is a small
grey house with blue shutters. Several helium filled balloons are tied to a
lamppost at the end of the driveway, along with a large cardboard sign,
announcing "THE SECOND ANNUAL PRO-FUN TROLL HOE-DOWN HERE! All Welcome!"
"All" seems to be taken literally. The sounds of laughter and fiddling pour
from behind the house's doors, and party-goers have spilled onto the front
lawn, standing in groups of three and four, talking and laughing. There
must be at least a hundred people here. Whoever they are, they're not the
kind of people you'd expect to see in an Upstanding Community like this one.
Even stranger still is that the neighbors don't even seem to notice what is
going on. You, however, notice with alarm that several of the guests seem to
be children, dressed up in strange costumes left over from last Halloween:
like Teletubby outfits sewn together by someone high on pot.
As you slow down, wondering whether you should call the police, someone in the
crowd waves to you and calls out: "Come on! Join in! Don't be a lurker!"
"What the hell," you think, "at least I may get some action." You park your
car and get out.
"Go on in," your new friend says to you. "The dessert table is to die for this
year!" And as if to punctuate that remark, he licks chocolate frosting off his
fingers.
As you make your way to the door, you realize that the "children" aren't
children at all, but real, honest to goodness aliens -- or *somethings* --
short, round creatures with long noses and longer tails, big bare feet, and
bigger grins. Some are clothed, but many more are naked (or nearly so, since
each one of them is wearing a brightly colored paper birthday hat -- all
except for one, who has tied a plush toy Gengar to the top of his head). A
potent mix of eager excitement and nightmarish apprehension well up inside
you as you reach for the door handle, but you've come too far to turn back
now. You take a deep breath, brace yourself, and push open the door.
But no amount of bracing could prepare you for what is beyond that threshold: a
real, honest-to-goodness barn -- at least 2,000 square feet of floorspace, and
every inch of it, it seems, is filled with people and creatures, each there to
celebrate for a reason of their own. Balloons of every color, and crepe paper
twists of every other color, line the ceiling, and drape over the partitions
between the animal stalls. The stalls themselves have been swept spotlessly
clean, and in the place of their former occupants stand tables groaning with
food of every sort. Over each stall, where the animals' names used to hang,
are various announcements: "Happy Birthday, Alryssa!", "Congratulations,
Cardinal Krizu and Auntie Zorak!", "We're Happy, too, Paul Ebbs!" "Gareth for
the Ninth Doctor!", "Happy Birthday, Ol' Blue -- 15 May, 1963!". Down at the
end of the line of stalls, however, is the one somber place in the whole scene,
the sign above draped in black crepe just like the doors outside, bearing the
words: "Douglas Neil Adams, RIP".
You barely have time to take this all in, however, before the lights go out.
Then a single spotlight snaps on, illuminating a small round stage in the center
of the floor. One of the strange creatures is standing there, wearing a highly
embroidered fishing vest with bulging pockets, and holding a fiddle in one
hand. An expectant hush falls over the crowd. The troll (for that's what she
is) raises the fiddle to her shoulder and begins to play. It's an old folk
tune you're sure you've heard before, but you can't quite place it. Soon, the
troll adds her voice and words to the melody:
Once I lived on the mountain top, now I live in town;
I'm posting on the RAD-Wah 'group; hosin' flamewars down.
The old Doctor, the renegade, travels in a box,
Crazy as a fat June bug, crafty as a fox!
The old Doctor, he had a dog, strangest I ever saw,
Had a laser for a nose, but never could run far.
The old Doctor, the renegade, travels in a box,
Crazy as a fat June bug, crafty as a fox!
The Doctor, he fought pepperpots that would never make you sneeze,
But when they said "*Ex-term-in-ate!*" we all got shaky knees!
The old Doctor, the renegade, travels in a box,
Crazy as a fat June bug, crafty as a fox!
The inside of the Doctor's ship, it surely is no game:
Fifteen miles of corridors that all look just the same.
The old Doctor, the renegade, travels in a box,
Crazy as a fat June bug, crafty as a fox!
I won't talk to the nasty trolls, tell you the reason why,
Say so much as "How do ye do?" they'd spit right in my eye.
The old Doctor, the renegade, travels in a box,
Crazy as a fat June bug, crafty as a fox!
I wish I had my own sadfan. I'd put him on a shelf,
And every time he'd smile at me, I'd get up there myself.
The old Doctor, the renegade, travels in a box,
Crazy as a fat June bug, crafty as a fox!
Once I lived on the mountain top, now I live in town;
I'm posting on the RAD-Wah 'group, hosin' flamewars down.
The old Doctor, the renegade, travels in a box,
Crazy as the fat June bug, crafty as a fox!
She takes a bow, and a wild roar erupts from the crowd.
(*clap* *clap* The wildly clapping figure of Ninni Pettersson, entirely
dressed in black and sporting an enormous grey cat lolling in the crook of
one arm, fades discreetly into the background, appears momentarily at the
bar to snare a gin & tonic, and then makes herself unobtrusive again.)
"What have I gotten myself into?" you wonder aloud.
A short, turquoise troll at your elbow overhears you. "Well," she says, "if
last year's party was any indication, I'd say you've gotten into a fantastic
adventure!" She proffers a crumpled paper bag filled with sweet fruit candies.
"Would you like a jelly baby?"
Cameron Mason reaches into the back and pulls out a red jelly baby. "My
favourite!" he exclaims.
---
A large U-boat, painted in a purple and green camouflage pattern, with a
big smiley face on the front, trundles into the car park on extendable
monster truck wheels.
A hatch on the conning tower opens and from the mist appear several
shadowy figures, in uniform.
The sinister effect is somewhat spoilt by the party hats, the goofy grins
and the fact they're all on spacehoppers...
The Captain and a cheerful hunchback are last out. As the crew bounce off
the deck and into the house, Captain Gordon (for it is he) reminisces with
Igor about catching the end of last years event.
Our Hostess finishes licking the 'spilled' drops of fondue cheese from her
fingers, and looks out at the cul-de-sac to see who is arriving next. She
grins a large grin from ear to large ear at the sight of Captain Gordon and
his crew. She pauses, though, when she hears Gordon start to reminisce:
"I was a newbie to RADW. I didn't know what rolls, pro-fun or otherwise,
were at that time."
:::Oh dear, she thought -- those typo gremlins are bold this year... I'd
better set out some gremlin repellent. They can really create havoc in the
fictional dimension -- you never know what strange twists in a plot can
happen when they get loose!:::
"I didn't even bother lurking, I just jumped straight in
without thinking." He smiles. "I think I got away with it though!"
"The very first thing I saw was the first Pro-Fun Hoedown. I had no idea
how it had started, or exactly what it was. I just knew it was daft, silly
and fun. I knew I'd found a home!"
Captain Gordon and Igor walk to the end of the stalls and stand for
a moment, hats held in their hands in respect for Mr. Adams.
"He was one of the people who showed me what pro-fun was all about."
Gordon says, quietly. He turns to Igor. "You go on ahead, I'll catch
up with you."
Gordon finds a small stall that has no banner, nor anything else in it for
the moment. He removes his big black coat and holds it in front of the
stall before whipping it away to reveal a small, round table, with a large
smiley hand-painted onto it. A photograph and a small plaque sit at its
centre. The photo shows a smiling old man, in a black suit, with a smiley
badge on one of the lapels. The plaque reads -
"Harvey Ball died on April 12th 2001, at the age of 79. He was one of those
people whose name wasn't well known, but what he brought to the world touched
us all. In 1963, he designed the original smiley face to put on badges for
a morale boosting campaign at an insurance company. His design spread
throughout the world. It has become a worldwide symbol for fun. R.I.P.
Harvey Ball. We may not have known you, but your smiley will live on."
Gordon lowers his head in respect, for a moment...
He twirls round in a blaze of colour. He wears a football shirt with the
name Adams and the number 42. The front emblazoned with a mahoosive smiley.
He takes off his captain's cap to reveal a plush Gengar strapped to his
head. His human form discarded, he now looks like he stepped straight out
of a particularly silly Chuck Jones cartoon.
He walks round the room for a minute, taking everything in. He recognises a
few of the people here, and notices one or two are missing. He instantly
recognises the head pro-fun troll, who has been such an inspiration in
recent times.
He sees Igor is already delving into his sack and bringing out brightly
painted metal pipes, tin cans and monkey wrenches for the percussion
section of the band.
"I can't help thinking there's something missing," he ponders.
A light bulb suddenly appears above his head and lights up. (Literally,
we're far beyond the realm of serious laws of physics by now...)
He waves his coat (now technicoloured) about a few times, lays it on
the floor and whips it up to reveal...
...a bouncy castle and a foot pump.
"Any voluntee..."
Before he can finish, a small, but hugely enthusiastic troll is pogoing
up and down on the foot pump to the beat of the music, laughing as
it does so.
"I don't think this will take long." Gordon says to Igor, who has returned
from setting up his...drums, for want of a better word.
They both smile, fiendishly. (But a pro-fun fiendishly...natch.)
---
Several guests turn in surprise as their hostess sprints from the room,
returning shortly after with votive candles that smell a little bit like
citronella, and a little bit like licorice. Moving quietly around the room,
the avocado green troll places a candle at each end of each table, and lights
them one at a time. Unlike other repellent candles these beauties (brand name
"Typo-nope") have multi-colored flames, that give off striped, polka-dotted and
swirly-colored light.
The hostess smiled. "Don't know if it'll work," she said to herself. "But the
effect is sure nice."
By the time she returned to the line of tables, Gordon had already set up his
tribute to Harvey Ball, and she stops to read the plaque. "Thank you, Gordon,"
she said to him, after she had finished reading it. He is truly one of the
founding fathers of Pro-Fundom. For where would Pro-Fun trolls be without :)?"
She read the plaque again. "'1963', huh? A very good year, on many counts!",
and she threw Gordon a ;-).
Turning around, she caught sight of the bouncy castle, and all the trolls
lining up to dance the edifice into being. "Yay!" She exclaimed. "It's
perfect!"
---
From his near-permanent encampment near the food tables a tall young man in a
bright green jacket that clashes badly with his bright red shirt and appears to
be a battleground between Doctor Who and Discworld icons looks at this scene
with an expression of combined apprehension and interest. Then he shrugs and
returns his attention to the food. You notice that although he joins
conversations readily, he doesn't really start any, unless you count "Is
thins vegetarian? Oh, good."
"Is *this* vegetarian?" Daibhid corrects himself, adding "*Darn* those typo
gremlins! Darn 'em all to Heck!" Still, he seems glad to be there.
Three typo gremlins pop up behind him and cackle. Bokman chases them away
with a flashlight, then exclaims "Okay, who brought the Mogwai?"
At this point, a large grey owl flies into the barn and turns into a
short furry creature with enormous eyes and wearing a shocking pink
party hat. From under the party hat, Nyctolops produces an enormous bowl of
guacamole and a giant bag of tortilla chips.
"Ah, I thought I heard someone asking for something vegetarian, so I
brought this. Enjoy!"
She finds a place for the guacamole and chips on the table and wanders
off to greet the Pro-Fun Trolls and other guests.
---
As you watch, a young man in a battered green anorak hurries over to the
Douglas Adams RIP sign, and replaces it with a new one, which reads:
Douglas Noel Adams (1952 - 2001)
"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed."
The avocado green troll puts down her fiddle and trots over to the young man.
Noticing the sign which has just been replaced, she shakes her head in wonder.
"It's those durn typo gremlins," she commented. "I just hope they don't cause
any more trouble than that, this year..."
Gordon tuts as he walks by. "It was bad enough when they had the Doctor
peeing over a shelf..."
"Reminds me of the time Nicolas Bryant came to visit," comments Bokman,
searching for a place to put the fondue pot...
"Typo Gremlimss, what Tipoh Gremlins?" asks Cameron as he places a Bread and
Butter Pudding on a table.
Our Hostess leads Bokman to the "hot foods" buffet table. "I was hoping
someone would bring fondue," she said, sniffing appreciatively. "It's always
been one of my favorites." As she makes sure the warming plate is working
properly, she asks: "So, this Nicholas Bryant ... Nice fellow, is he? Think
he'll show up tonight?"
((Suddenly...))
* * * 2. The party continues * * *
/As more guests arrive... /
---
An enormous double-fudge chocolate cheesecake with oreo cookie crust and
chocolate ganache appears out of nowhere with a wheezing, groaning
sound. It is carried by a pointlessly tall man with blue eyes, shaggy
blond hair and a short beard. He clears his throat.
"Sorry about that wheezing groaning sound," he says with an apologetic
grin. "My sinuses are a bit backed up at the moment."
He sets down the cheesecake and rummages into his backpack. From its
murky depths he produces a large mirror, a yo-yo, a can of deodorant
marked "This is not deodorant", a lit floor lamp, a large party
umbrella, a stripy deck chair, a startled fat black cat who purrs
inquisitively, something that looks suspiciously like the Key to Time,
and a crystal decanter of good port.
"Aha!" he exclaims, finally producing a tall, sparkly, pointed blue hat
with small stars on it. "Knew I had it somewhere."
He places it on his head; suddenly a large POOF of purple smoke
billows forth, and a three-horned, blue-skinned troll appears in his
place.
"Bugger," he says. "Wrong hat. Oh well, it'll wear off in an hour or
two."
The avocado green troll turns in alarm at the all-too-familiar sound. The
last time she heard *that* inside her barn, the hoe-down went distinctly
pearshaped from that moment on (though, to be fair, they *did* end up saving
the world because of it, so the trouble with Compassion did have its
upside). Still, she was relieved to see it was a Friend Bearing Chocolate,
and not a TARDIS Bearing Chaos. If she could choose between chocolate and
*anything* chocolate would definitely win out.
By the time she carefully wove her way past the mirror, yo-yo, aerosol can
that claimed not to be deodorant, the lamp, the umbrella, the chair, and the
3-D puzzle pieces that she is sure she'd seen somewhere before, the tall
dessert-bearing man was replaced by a three-horned troll in a sparkly hat (a
wizard's hat, probably, she thought. Even official Pro-Fun hats didn't have
those powers of transformation).
"Welcome Jim!" she said, extending her hand in greeting. "I hope you enjoy
the party." Leaning over, she whispered into his ear: "If that puzzle thing
is what I suspect it is, I suggest you keep it with you at all times. It
might come in handy if we get caught up in crossing timestreams, but if it
gets into the wrong hands..." she trailed off, not wanting to even
contemplate the consequences. "Anyway," she said, brightening, "watch out
for typo gremlins..."
"Twas merely the wrong hat, lass, that puts me in this horny mode. I'm
betting Auntie Krizu or Phi1ip Legge switched it while I was busy
baking the cheesecake," the jim-troll replied. "As for the plastic
sculpture, fret not. It's not the Key to Time. It's just the Key to Time
and the Rani, and it doesn't work very well anyway..."
---
((Cardinal Zorak boggles at the mention of Auntie and Phi1ip.))
"Only them??" :-((
Jim looks around...
"I don't know, I'm used to being 6'5", not 24"! Everyone looks so
different from down here. I'm used to seeing just the tops of peoples'
heads. About all I *can* see here is Philip's Legges and Auntie's
Krizu...."
---
Somewhere in the background, c1ose-by to the gathering in the Virginian
cu1-de-sac that is home to the avocado-co1oured tro11, a fami1iar sound
begins to sp1it and jar atoms out of their random osci11ations in the
atmosphere. Out of nowhere a rectangu1ar shape starts to so1idify,
resemb1ing a 19th Century wardrobe in Ita1ian neo-c1assica1 sty1e, made of
wa1nut and topped with curious urn-shaped finia1s at each corner.
Phi1ip, a young man sporting a somewhat untrimmed goatee and resemb1ing a
stick-insect in bui1d, emerges sneaki1y from one of the doors of the ta11
wardrobe-shaped SIDRAT. Immediate1y after 1ocking the doors he scratches his
ear, which he imagines is itching for a reason!
He notices immediate1y a very short b1ue-co1oured tro11 standing before him,
and 1ooks rather sharp1y at him, b1ue-grey eyes staring through round
g1asses.
"You weren't ta1king about me behind my back I hope?" he asks in a rather
gruff basso.
Litt1e does the tro11 know that Phi1ip's apparent harshness is just a p1oy
with which he hopes to e1icit a repeat of the ear1ier comments, but instead
he remains si1ent.
"Ah, my dearest Cardina1!" Phi1ip recognises Zorak immediate1y from his
resp1endent red ve1vet cassock, and embraces and kisses him in the European
manner, on each cheek. "I'm so g1ad to see you! I'm sorry I'm 1ate, I was
p1aying Cupid with some friends at another party just now."
"I suppose that exp1ains why you're dressed in that toga?" Zorak raises an
eyebrow to comp1ete the inference.
"Um... yes, I did want to put in a 'Deus ex machina' appearance!" Phi1ip
rep1ies. "Is dearest Auntie here yet?"
Cardina1 Zorak shakes his head but answers enthusiastica11y, "I'm expecting
the grouse to f1y in at any minute!"
Phi1ip beams and picks up a g1ass of that sinfu1 O1d Janx Spirit from the
Doug1as Adams tribute tab1e. "We11 here's to your hea1th sweetie, and
Auntie's! I suppose I'd better put on my pro-fun tro11 hat!"
From underneath one of the numerous c1oth 1oops of his toga he pu11s a green
and purp1e tricorne, which c1ashes incongruous1y with the white of his toga.
"Oh we11," he says sad1y, "fashion was never my strong suit."
Phi1ip sudden1y rea1ises the two-feet-high b1ue tro11 is staring at his
shins and sanda11ed feet where they emerge from the bottom of his toga.
"Do I know you?" Phi1ip addresses himse1f to the tro11.
The tro11 nods, his three horns bobbing up and down 1ike a pecu1iar trident.
"I'm actua11y Jim, though you wou1dn't recognise me at the moment!"
"Jim Vow1es? What on earth happened to you? You never 1ooked 1ike that
before!"
Jim the tro11 smi1es wicked1y. "Someone substituted my proper fun hat, which
has turned me b1ue, shortened me by three times, and made me a11 horny! So
natura11y I thought it might have been Auntie or you."
Zorak frowns s1ight1y, and mutters, "But if Phi1ip's on1y just arrived, and
Auntie is yet to f1y in, then who can have done the deed?"
Phi1ip muses, "Who indeed? And why have a11 of the 1ower-case 1etter 1's in
my post sudden1y turned into ones?"
---
Meanwhile, the avocado green troll is surprised when a platter of assorted
crispy, cracker like things :::zzippops::: into her hand. Tentatively, she
tastes one.
"Hmm, an interesting blend of bell pepper, carrot, celery and onion.... These
must be Vegetarian Thins!" She trots over to Daibhid and hands him the
platter. "For you, Sir, I believe. Courtesy of the typo gremlins."
"Thank you," says Daibhid, and looks around for the typo gremlins to thank
them as well. The three Bokman chased off reappear, and apologise for their
behaviour earlier. They claim to know nothing about Phi1ip's prob1ems... The
troll bows, then turns to see how Gordon is coming with that bouncy
castle....
Oops! The discussion of packages reminds Daibhid that he hasn't made any
contribution to the food table he is so eagerly depleting of all things
non-carnivorous. Finishing off the Vegetarian Thins, and washing them down
with a pint of Irn Bru, he calls his rucksack, which runs up on hundreds of
tiny legs.
"Sapient Polyester," explains Daibhid, before realising that Pro-Fun Trolls
and their friends see weirder stuff than this every day. Rummaging through
the bag, he pulls out a stack of comics, "The Key To Time", "The Thief Of
Time" and a black cat in a green collar called Schroedy, before finally
locating a bag marked CCCB[1].
"I brought these from afp[2]." he says, unaware that the mere mention of
that group has caused him to break out in footnotes[3]. "There's a bit of a
flamewar going on there at the moment, but they're generally pro-fun, so I
didn't think they'd mind." He pours the beans into the platter the Thins
were in and sets them on the table. "I'm not that keen on them myself, but
I'm told that if you like that sort of thing they're delicious." He then
follows the avocado green troll to see what Gordon's up to...
[1] Chocolate Covered Coffee Beans. Favourite snack of most of
afp[2], recently featured in Thief of Time.
[2] alt.fan.pratchett. My other main hangout.
[3] A common occurrence on afp, those who post there regularly find it
occurring on other newsgroups and message boards.
---
Across the huge party space, the various incarnations of the Doctor
are dancing, or chatting with others, or in the case of the Fourth and
Eighth Doctors, having a drinking contest involving much Guinness.
People are laying bets on who will go down first.
---
((Meanwhile, outside Phi1ip's SIDRAT...))
In a dark corner, a wheezing groaning sound is heard... a peepshow box
materializes with a thump!
Phi1ip and Zorak look towards the creaking door expectantly, and scratch
their heads when they don't see anything. Suddenly, Phi1ip jumps, clutching
his toe, the tails of his toga flapping dangerously high.
"AAAAAK!"
Phi1ip lands on his behind with a thump, his thin legs sticking in the air
and the long folds of his toga draped over his head.
With effort, Zorak tears his eyes away from Phi1ip's slim, perfectly-formed
thighs.
"What is it?"
Grunting in pain, Phi1ip points down.
Zorak looks back down at Phi1ip's pointy^H^H^H^H^H thighs. "Do you want me
to kiss it better?" Phi1ip can only make a muffled sound as he tries to
extricate himself from the tangled toga. >;-) There's a sudden noise, and...
Zorak turns to see a white flurry of feathers whooshing past, and
disappearing around a corner.
"Oh, bloody hell..."
"Does that mean what I think it means?"
"Yes, I think so..."
Heavy bootsteps can be heard from behind the corner, stopping as if to pick
something up, then a faint cooing sound as the steps come closer. With a
swagger, the Ainley Master steps out of the shadows, cradling Auntie Krizu,
in the form of a happily pot-potting snowgrouse, on his left arm. Scritching
the grouse's chin with his right hand, he and the grouse both chuckle evilly
and grin at Phi1ip and Zorak.
---
"And me without my umbrella," Jim observes. Suddenly a large part of
the set tilts, as though on an unconvincing and gentle pivot accompanied
by a wildly tilting camera. Everyone slides leftward with exaggerated
movements and giggles.
"Bugger," says Jim, who then has to leap away from several guests who
thought it was a suggestion for the next party game.
---
"Quick, into the SIDRAT!" Phi1ip cries.
"You might find that a little difficult, with it trapped in a Time Cone,"
purrs the Master, and with the flick of a switch on a small black device in
his hand, the wardrobe SIDRAT vanishes into invisibility.
Zorak and Phi1ip look furtively around as if to run, but suddenly the Master
steps closer and stares into their eyes, which begin to glaze over. "I am
your Master, and you will obey me." Dumbly, they repeat the Master's words
back to him, "You are our Master, we will obey."
The grouse flutters up to the Master's shoulder, and whispers in his ear.
"What to do with them? Oh,... very well!" The grouse coos and pots in
delight.
"Slaves, go to my TARDIS, and fetch out the torture chaise-longue and the
silk bondage ropes!" the Master says triumphantly.
Zorak and Phi1ip look at one another with a stupefied look, and then
unquestioningly troop across to the Master's TARDIS, cunningly disguised as
a peepshow box.
"And now," the grouse thinks to herself, "how to attract Doctor number five
away from that drinking race he's overseeing between Doctors four and
eight!"
((The party is going well...))
* * * 3. An uninvited guest * * *
/As snowgrouse Auntie Krizu enjoys herself with Zorak and Phi1ip.../
---
Our hostess, the avocado-green troll, looks around her and smiles. The
Hoedown is going well. Nasty trolls are keeping their distance, no one has
yet slipped any bitter pills into the drinks, and people have arrived ready
to have a generally wonderful time. The Doctors have all arrived and joined
in -- *and* none of their TARDISes have gotten tangled together (she makes a
mental note to make sure there will be enough beer for the other guests
after 4 and 8 have finished their drinking contest).
She really must congratulate Gordon on the bouncy castle -- such a mix of
innocent and naughty is perfect for a gathering of Pro-Fun trolls.
The only hitch may be in the typo-gremlins, but they can't cause nearly as much
trouble as Eris did ... can they?
She isn't sure of the answer to that, and quickly changes the subject in her
mind. She searches the crowd for a familiar face, and to her delight, she
finds it.
"Jamie, me lad!" she calls out as she goes up to him. "I'm so glad you came!
You brought your pipes, I trust?"
Jamie looks hurt. "Ach, now what piper would arrive at a gathering such as
this without his pipes? I'd shame the whole McCrimmon clan if I had left
them behind!"
Our Hostess beams. "Wonderful!" she exclaims, as she leads him to the
stage. "This hoedown has everything it needs -- but too many people are
standing still and just watching. But I think a good reel could change all
that."
Jamie picks up his pipes and grins. "What is your pleasure?" he asks.
"Oh, lots of things," she answers with a wink, "but right at the moment, I'm
thinking of a song from your own country and time -- an anthem for Pro-Fun
Trolldom if ever there was one: 'The Reel of Tullochgorum'! If you'll play,
I'll sing it."
Jamie nods, an ear to ear grin on his handsome young face, and begins to warm
up his pipes.
The wheezing, groaning sound, and the loud first few notes, startled the
partygoers to attention. The troll let him play one verse through, to get the
rhythm and melody into her head, and then she belted out the words -- her
voice, surprisingly loud from someone of such short stature, bold enough to
compete with the famed highland pipes of the McCrimmon clan:
"Come gies a sang," Montgomery cryed
"And lay your disputes all aside,
What nonsense is't for folks to chide
For what's been done before them."
Let Whig and Tory all agree.
Whig and Tory, Whig and Tory
Whig and Tory all agree
To drop their whigmegorum,
Let Whig and Tory all agree
To spend this night in mirth and glee
And cheerfu' sing alang wi me
The Reel of Tullochgorum
Tullochgorum's my delight,
It gars us a' in ane unite,
And ony sumph that keeps up spite,
In conscience I abhor him
Blithe and merry we's be a',
Blithe and merry, blithe and merry
Blithe and merry we's be a'
To make a chearfu' quorum.
Blithe and merry, we's be a':
As lang's we ha'e a breath to draw,
And dance, 'till we be like to fa'
The reel of Tullochgorum.
Let warldly minds themselves oppress
Wi' fear of want, and double cess;
And silly saules themselves distress
Wi' keeping up decorum:
Shall we sae sour and sulky sit,
Sour and sulky; sour and sulky;
Shall we sae sour and sulky sit
Like auld Philosophorum?
Shall we sae sour and sulky sit
Wi' neither sense, nor mirth. nor wit,
And canna rise to shake a fit,
At the reel of Tullochgorum?
May choicest blessings still attend
Each honest-hearted open friend,
And calm and quiet be his end,
Be a' that's good before him
May peace and plenty be his lot,
Peace and plenty, peace and plenty;
May peace and plenty be his lot,
And dainties, a great store o'em:
May peace and plenty be his lot
Unstain'd by any vicious blot;
And may he never want a groat
That's fond of Tullochgorum!
Our Hostess let her voice trail off, since now nearly everyone was "shaking
a fit" of some sort or other (though the old curmudgeons and purists would
all agree that there was no sort of reel among them). Still, "fun was had
by all" and that's all that mattered.
"Ye're a Hielander, Daibhid." remarked Jamie afterwards. "Why did ye no'
leave yon food table and show 'em how it's done?"
"I know how do a reel in a technical sort of way," Daibhid admitted, "it's
the fact that I've got the natural rhythm of a stunned goldfish that's the
problem."
"Ach, dinnae put yerself doon, lad. I'll gie another skirl in a whiley, and
I want to see ye up on the floor!"
"Aye, okay." Daibhid agreed reluctantly. He knew a Pro-Fun group was
somewhere you should feel comfortable making a fool of yourself; he'd done
it before, but he still felt uncomfortable starting off. Once he started
dancing he was sure he'd...
But then a shadow filled the door of her barnTARDIS, and a bellow loud enough
to drown out the pipes interrupted their fun.
The leader of the Pro-Fun Trolls felt her face go cold, and her hands get
clammy. :::Oh, no! she thought. Not *him!*:::
---
A large bellow resounds through the barn TARDIS. A shadow fills the door.
The Partygoers, Bookworms, Doctors, Companions, Trolls, Captains, TARDISes,
goddesses, and other assorted entities pause from cakewatching, drink
contest betting, and general merrymaking and hoedowning, and turn to the
source.
'Oh no,' the Doctors - all eight of him currently present - mutter. 'The
Flame Bringer.'
'But Flame Bringers usually ignore the Pro-Fun Trolls...' Seventh thinks out
loud.
'Zoe,' Second whispers. 'Check the whipped cream. Fire Extinguisher size...
One way or another, we'll be needing it.'
Zoe nods, and heads for the Second's TARDIS.
----
Bokman's ears pick up at the mention of the name Zoe. "Zoe's here? Well, I
suppose I'd better introduce myself," he declares, heading for the Second's
TARDIS in his turn.
----
Daibhid was astonished to see Schroedy, along with all the other cats brought
by various guests, rush for the opposing wall in a mass of howling and spitting.
"It's okay, kitties," he said. "It's just another TARDIS... isn't it?"
"I thought I heard the Doctors say it was a Flame Bringer," muttered someone on
his left.
Daibhid went white. "A Flame Bringer? At a Pro-Fun Hoedown?"
He had to help. After all, he'd just agreed to dance, and he wasn't going to
give a Flame Bringer the chance to make fun of him.
He looked for the purple, legged form of his rucksack.
It was gone.
---
Gordon wonders, "Maybe if we feed the typo-gremlins things full of typos,
they'll chill out and relax for a while?"
From out of his dimensionally transcendental pockets, he brings out several
copies of 'The Doctors' by Adrian Rigelsford and a bundle of fanzines.
"I edited this pro-fun fanzine several years ago, it was so full of typos
we were going to have a 'How Many Typos Were In Issue One?' contest
in the second issue. We never got to a second issue though."
Gordon starts waving the publications in front of him, calling the
typo-gremlins.
"Coo-eee! Look! Loadsa, loadsa typos in these!"
A small typo-gremlin walks up to Gordon warily. He takes a nibble of a
fanzine. He immediately falls over, as if drunk.
"Typos must have the same effect on them as alcohol does on us! There
are so many typos in the fanzine that just one bite gets them utterly
blitzed! We're saved!"
Gordon distributes the publications and then moonwalks off to groove
mightily on the dance floor...
---
((Meanwhile....))
In a shadowy spot across the street, a wobbulating video effect signals the
decloaking - sorry, delurking - of a man in his mid-twenties, with a shock
of long, curly hair (which is badly in need of combing), glasses, and
slightly too much stubble. He is wearing a blue anorak in a post-modern,
ironically self-aware kind of way; a copy of The Discontinuity Guide
protrudes from one pocket, while in another is what appears to be a book
containing lists of train numbers, some of which have small ticks marked
next to them.
He hesitates for a moment, taking in the scene, listening to the sounds of
pro-fun-ness that carry in the evening air and watching the party-goers on
the lawn. Then, he takes a step towards the door... hesitates... and stops,
still in the shadows. He looks at his reflection in the window of a car, and
mutters to himself thusly: "Hmm... no, a little *too* ironically sad-fan,
perhaps."
He considers for a moment. Reality shifts a couple of millimeters, and the
lurker's clothes have changed; he is now dressed in black jeans, a belt
covered in a celtic knotwork design, an Oxford University DougSoc t-shirt
and a black denim jacket covered in assorted badges, mostly but not
exclusively relating to science fiction or music. His stubble has vanished,
and his hair seems a little more tidy. Once again he stands still for a
moment, watching and listening. He tips his head to one side, apparently
paying particular attention to the sound of a fiddle. In an echo-treated
voice-over, his thoughts can be heard: "Well, it *is* meant to be pro-fun,
which seems to mean not being superior and nasty about other peoples' tastes
even if they're different from one's own - but perhaps people won't mind a
bit of rock-'n'-roll...."
With another jump-cut, his appearance changes again. His jeans are now blue,
and flared; the t-shirt is still black, but with a Marshall Amplification
logo, and the jacket is also blue, of a different style, and without badges.
His hair is now tied back in a pony-tail, and in one hand he holds a Fender
stratocaster which looks suspiciously as if somebody has deliberately beaten
it up a little in an attempt to create a battered and well-used look. In his
other hand he holds a small combo amplifier and a coiled lead (which is,
please note, plain black and straight, and definitely *not* curly or of a
bright day-glo colour).
The indecisive newcomer makes it almost the whole way across the road this
time, before stopping and talking to himself again. "Hey! I can pretend to
be Fitz pretending to be someone else - I might even pull that way! Oh...
but the only slightly Who-related things I can play are "Smoke On The Water"
and "Shakin' All Over", and those are pretty tenuous, especially for people
who don't read the BBC books.... Maybe this isn't such a good idea...."
Reality does that slightly-shifting thing again. The musical paraphanalia
has gone, and the newcomer is now wearing black jeans (again), a grey
shirt, a black leather waistcoat, a long black leather trenchcoat, and a
black felt hat. His hair is untied, but now nicely combed and untangled,
though still fairly wild.
"Right. Enough faffing around!" Taking a deep breath, the stranger pushed
his hands into his coat pockets and strides across the road and in through
the door. Once inside, he walks briskly across the floor. To the casual
watcher, his body language suggests confidence - but a more careful observer
would note that he's actually rather nervous, not entirely sure whether or
not he's meant, or even allowed, to be here, and is thus using the "look as
if you own the place" ploy.
He glances around, trying to look like somebody expecting to meet people,
but avoiding eye contact with the other guests, and not quite plucking up
the courage to speak to any of them....
The small turquoise troll, ever on the lookout for uneasy
newcomers, appears at his elbow (or rather, due to the difference
in their relative heights, his knee). "Excuse me, Sir," she asks,
proffering her ever full bag of treats, "would you like a jelly
baby?"
She smiles as reassuringly as a troll can while he takes his
choice, then scurries off to find the Founder.
---
'And just what do you think you're doing?!' Sixth asks, positioning
himself next to Our Hostess...
She turns, and gazes up at the fuzzy headed Doctor. "Who, me? At the
moment, I *think* I'm thinking. If you haven't noticed, there are quite a
few dangling story threads around here, and if I don't pause and sort them
out, it could get really headache-y in a moment. Tangled storylines are
even worse on a body than tangled timelines."
Suddenly, a lightbulb appears above her head -- a full hundred watt one
(Gordon's influence, she thinks). She turns from Jo to the Flame Bringer
and back again. "That's it!" she says. "These gremlins can change reality
-- make things appear, or turn them backward. If we can get them over to
the Flame Bringer, maybe we can change him into something else -- or maybe
-- return him to his true nature," she added, noticing that there seemed to
be a strange sort of dimensional warp going on around him.
She hurried over to Imran, and spoke into his ear: "The words 'Flame
Bringer'," she said, "or rather, the letters in the words -- where they are
on your keyboard -- you think you can figure out what typos we can use to
turn that all around, into something positive -- Pro-Fun?"
Unfortunately for Imran, Daibhid's rucksack is rubbing against his legs,
having apparently found a new friend.
----
'All right...' Sixth says, turning to the Flame Bringer. 'Now I know what
/she's/ up to... what are /you/ up to?!'
'I am... the Spelling Flame Bringer...' the creature rumbles. 'I come... to
flame all those afflicted by the Typo Gremlins...in the name of proper
punctuation.'
The writers mutually gulp. This is /not/ good.
((It is at this point that the little turquoise deputy arrives with her news...))
* * * 4. Authorial Persona Manipulation * * *
/As the avocado troll's deputy arrives.../
---
"Hostess," the turquoise troll said, a little breathlessly, as she found the
avocado troll leaning over Imran's shoulder, "a new guest has just arrived,
and he has some... interesting abilities. I've been watching him since he
appeared in the cul-de-sac, and he seems to be able to change his form at
will -- without the influence of the gremlins. Do you think he might be
able to transform the --" and here, her voice dropped to a whisper "--
F.B.?"
The founder straightened, thoughtful. "Perhaps," she said, slowly. "Though
I suspect it's probably just a skilful use of 'Authorial Persona
manipulation', and is something he can only work on himself, not others...
Still, A.P.M. is closely related in fictional mechanics to Typo
Transformation. Yes... yes... He might have expertise which could prove
very helpful indeed. Go explain the situation to him, and see if he won't
join our little pow-wow."
The turquoise troll ran off to do just that, while the hostess and Imran
returned to their study of his keyboard.
---
The turquoise troll runs up to Philip Cotterell (for that is the new guest's
name - note, that's one l [ell] and no 1's [ones]), who is now feeling
somewhat more comfortable as a result of a friendly greeting and a jelly
baby, and rapidly explains the situation.
Philip chews thoughtfully on his jelly baby. "I'm not sure if I can help. But
just give me a moment and I'll join you. There's something I should do first."
He walks over to the Douglas Adams memorial stall, removes his hat and
stands in silent respect for a few seconds. He starts to turn away, and is
then struck by a thought; turning back, he closes his eyes and concentrates
for a moment, then reaches inside his coat and extracts from a pocket a
small cardboard replica of a 1950's talking-type wireless set which he
places on a small wooden table next to the stall (which possibly did not
exist a few moments previously). In front of the wireless set he places a
small card, on which is written:
"Sir Harry Secombe, 1921-2001 : Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po"
"Well, why not," he announces to nobody in particular, "after all, The Goon
Show was certainly pro-fun, and there are bound to be a few fans here."
After another moment of silence, Philip replaces his hat, and proceeds across
the hall to join the avocado troll and Imran.
"It's like this," he says. "I don't really know *what* my abilities are
here. I've never studied fictional mechanics. In fact, I'm not really an
author - or at least I wasn't before I got here." After a thoughtful pause,
he continues: "I *think* that I can do anything that I believe I'm allowed
to get away with." Another pause.
"Now, I'm not sure if I can transform this Flame Bringer
into something benign - I'm really not sure. But I do have an
idea. Perhaps all I need is a little technobabble to convince me that such a
transformation conforms to the rules of fictional mechanics as they apply in
this particular reality! Yes! Do you think that one of you would be kind
enough to ask one of the Doctors to whip up an Authorial Persona
Manipulation Field Transference Projector for me?"
---
Imran and the hostess exchange a knowing glance. A slow grin spreads across
each of their faces, simultaneously.
The hostess turns to Philip, still grinning. "Why ask just *one* Doctor,"
she says, "when you can ask all *eight*--"
The expression on Philip's face betrays the following thought: "Because I
want an APMFTP, not an eight-way argument!"
The Doctor looks up with a toothy grin from the bottom of an empty pint
glass of Guinness, and says to Philip, "But don't you realise - you don't
need an Authorial Persona Manipulation Field Transference Projector at all!"
Philip seems slightly unsure whether it is the good Doctor articulating this
thought or his Guinness speaking for him: "Ah, I'm not sure I do see..."
The Doctor jumps up to his feet, his scarf twisting in the air like an
electrocuted snake, such is the suddenness of his ascent. "You'd only need
a Field Transference Projector to stabilise the Fictional Space-Time
Vortex if only a single author were present!"
Imran says incisively, "And that's not the case is it?"
A younger man with a fresh, rather innocent face takes up the conversation.
"What I believe I am... er, *he is* trying to say, is that all this time,
the various authors have thought themselves in complete control of the
Fictional Space-Time Vortex when in fact they are only acting in isolation."
Philip says, "Yes, I think I can see that."
"-- after all, it sounds like all we need to do is --" and at this, Imran
chimed in, and they finished together: "make some adjustments to the
Time-Space Visualizer!". The troll nodded. "Yes," she continued, "and that
was a group effort."
An older Doctor suddenly strolls up behind the troll. "Exactly! A group
effort, my child, means that there is no ability for one author to determine
the fictional outcome."
At this, Philip's expression clears slightly. "Well," he thinks, "if they've
all done something similar together before...."
The Doctor pulls on his lapels and tut tuts. "It's been done several times
before. But not without great danger, in each instance..."
She turned to number six. "You pull yourselves together for this," she said
to him, "while I get the TSV out of the closet."
The Doctor closes his eyes with a look of profound concentration. "My other
selves, I implore myself now to have come to him."
A tall Doctor with a shock of white hair strolls up and mutters, "Great
balls of fire! My high Gallifreyan must have slipped in my old age, I don't
normally confuse my personal pronouns like that!"
Another Doctor wanders up and helps himself to one of the sandwiches and
dips it in a savoury sauce. "Not to worry old chap, you see, I've *always*
known how to speak it!"
"Ah ha, the scarecrow. How am I?"
"You're fine as I usually am, fancy pants!"
And finally an eighth individual Doctor arrives, beaming brightly and
rakishly adjusting the angle of his hat. "Well, it looks as though we're all
here then! What was this about a fictional vortex?"
Philip watches the Sixth Doctor gather his other selves. He looks like he
wants to make sure that they know what they're being asked to do, but isn't
entirely sure that it would be wise to ask; he seems particularly concerned
about the Fourth and Eight Doctors, not being sure how Time Lords metabolise
alcohol in this reality.
A rather washed-out looking, half-human Doctor looks up from his place in
the sculling races, peering at his other seven, younger faces. "I think I'm
feeling a bit queer in this regeneration. Would one of me give me a glass of
water?"
"We won't need the Hand of Omega, this time, will we?" Sixth asked a little
nervously.
"Oh, I shouldn't think so, since we're not dealing with different corners of
the multi-verse... yet. A couple dozen D batteries should do the trick."
She chortled to herself happily, as she went off to dig around in her
TARDIS's boot cupboard, since there is nothing a Pro-Fun troll likes better
than to turn nastiness inside out.
---
'Hey! Get off! That's my drink!'
'Wait...' our hostess says. 'I think Daibhid's bag may have something in
mind...'
'And something on my keyboard...' Imran mutters.
He cracks his knuckles. 'I don't know if this will work... the gremlins may
not be strong enough... but, hey. It's either this, or experience a Spelling
Flame...'
'Right... "Spell /Fame/ Bringer"...'
Our hostess blinks. 'What?'
Imran blinks at what Daibhid's bag has written using his keyboard. 'I have
/no/ idea... Who on Earth brings fame for /spells/?'
The result of Imran's typo, however, has... unexpected effects.
Cameron looks up from his plate of food.
"Oh no - not again!"
Somewhere on a gramophone, the record gets stuck in a groove...
"I told you we should have borrowed Uncle Pete's set of Technics rather
than trying to mix on these things..." said Gordon.
"Well, it was worth a try," replied Igor, who was currently trying to DJ
with an old gramophone, a wax cylinder and a reel-to-reel tape player.
He tapped Gordon on the shoulder.
"What's that?" Igor said pointing at a man-shaped/sized package covered in
brown paper sitting all by itself in the corner of the barn.
Gordon's eyes went like this...
(o_O)
"Oh bugger...I thought he was still lost in Ibiza?"
A figure burst out of the package, with a black triangular helmet, a
flowing white robe, carrying a....microphone?
Igor is suddenly shoved off the decks by a Voord with a big furry hat on.
My name is...
Yartek, I'm the leader of the Alien Voord,
Lock away your beers, get your daughters secured!
You thought I was blown up, you thought I was dead,
With my funky white robe and my triangular head.
Straight out of Marinus, from the acid seas,
Had a bit of a problem, with a set of keys.
That went in a computer in a big fancy room,
Put the last one in and it all went boom!
I'm funkier than James Brown.
Sexier than a backless gown.
Groovier than Isaac Hayes.
More valuable than the Dying Days.
My brother Voord keep on tripping on their flippers,
We'd be better off wearing fluffy bunny slippers.
The Doctor thought by beating us he did the right thing,
Now most of us are kitchen staff at Burger King!
I'm Yartek and these are my alien Voord,
through the galaxy we have played and toured.
Feel the bassline kick and the breakbeats pound,
as we bring you the funkiest sound around!
Wooah-ho!
Wooah-ho!
Wooah-ho!
Wooah-ho!
Yartek suddenly spots Igor and Gordon and runs through the door...without
bothering to open it first...
"Quick Igor, after him, he's too funky to be allowed out in public for too
long!"
Gordon and Igor exeunt with great rapidity through the wall...
The avocado green troll picks up a small bit of paper left fluttering in
their slipstream.
---
The black-clad lurker had stared with open mouth at the outlandish
spectacle Yartek and his Alien Voords had put on.
"My knowledge of early Doctor Who is sadly lacking," she thought
and shook her head. Having already consumed one gin & tonic, and now
being halfway through her second (as a tribute to DNA she had decided to
stick with this drink at the hoedown), her attention was very easily
diverted though, and when she saw her hostess reading something she
couldn't refrain from peering over her shoulder:
"Sorry to run off like this, but the safety of the multifunkyverse is at
stake! We'll try and get back before the end...with biscuits. See ya!"
The avocado green troll suddenly turned and looked up at the lurker with
an inquiring but friendly expression on her round face.
"Oh. I'm s...s...s...so sorry. I d...d...didn't mean to pry." She
stammered. "I was j...j...just curious." She took a deep breath. The
troll didn't look angry after all, and it was her hostess. Perhaps she
ought to introduce herself?
"May I introduce myself, my name is Ninni and I'm a lurker from
Sweden. I'm sorry I didn't bring anything for the buffet, I forgot. What
a lot of people there are here, I feel a little lost. Especially since
my cat seems to have disappeared. That ... creature ... frightened him,
and now I can't find him again."
It all came out in a rush, and she felt rather foolish. "You might
think I'm a teenager for all the savoir-faire I'm showing at the
moment," she thought wryly.
The troll smiled. "I wouldn't worry," she said to Ninni. "You know how
resilient cats are. They've probably all found the cream pots in my TARDIS'
pantry by now, anyway. And don't worry about not having brought anything.
I, myself, wasn't expecting this to be pot luck, either. It just turned out
that way..."
She paused. "But maybe there is something you can do, she added, "I have my
doubts that that 'spelling flame-bringer' is what he appears to be. Just
for a split second, when he first arrived, I was sure he was someone I knew
-- someone we *all* knew, and that he came here for a reason. But that
someone, or something, is interfering. Who (or what) would want us to
confuse us like that? And why? Any ideas?"
---
Daibhid looks up from his futile attempts to herd the cats. "Is one of these
yours?" he asks Ninni, pointing vaguely behind him.
Looking over the nervously milling cats, she shook her head. "No,
I'm afraid not. He doesn't go on very well with other cats so he's
probably slipped away someplace where he can watch the action in safety.
And I guess he will soon home in on the cream, he's a glutton. I'll try
and stop worrying about him. There are apparently more important things
to worry about at the moment."
She looked around the BarnTARDIS that was now full of people of all shapes
and sizes giving all signs of enjoying themselves. Even the Flame Bringer
seemed to have settled down and was now vainly trying to attract the
attention of the barkeep. She noted Adric's sudden appearance, and the robot
then exploding and killing him. "I wonder what Nyssa will say. Flagrantly
poaching on her territory like that," she smiled to herself. "And what was
going on over there?!" Her Scandinavian contemporary and the Ainsley Master
were evidently planning to enjoy themselves thoroughly. Perhaps she ought to
wander over and see if she could pick up some interesting new techniques...
Her hostess' new words however, called her back to the matter at hand.
"Anyway," she said, "That's why Philip and the Doctors need to finish work on
the Authorial Personal Transference Field Projector as soon as possible -- so
we can discover who the newcomer is, and why he's here -- *and move the story
forward*!!"
"Moving forward... Yes, that's what's wrong here!" Ninni suddenly
realised. Nothing ever seemed to lead to anything. There was Adric again
for example, walking through the door after a short woman in a bright
yellow baseball cap. And Yartek and his Voords had just disappeared, and
everyone just seemed to talk and talk. "I bet Auntie and the Master
won't get anywhere either," she thought glumly. In fact...
"Look! All the Doctors have started bickering too," she exclaimed.
"You do seem to be right," she said to their hostess, "some force seems
bent on making all the potentially interesting stories fritter out into
nothing. We must *do* something."
She hurried off to where the Doctors were loudly arguing. "What are
you lot *doing*?" she asked sternly. "I thought you were supposed to
help with the APTFP. *Not* browbeating yourself because he's conducting
an in-depth study of the human lifestyle. Something I think several of
you could do well to try," she fluttered her eyelashes at the Fifth
Doctor and moved closer to him.
"But," says Philip, looking concerned, "if you don't think it's a real FB
any more.... I was going to transform it into something benign, to make it
safe - now I don't think I know what you want me to do. How can I transform
it into whatever it really is if noone knows what it really is? Have I
missed something?"
"No, not you," the troll said apologetically, "me. I'm the one who missed
picking up the clues..." She made her way over to the huddle of Doctors.
"Rather than *transform* our guest, do you think you could calibrate this
gadget to *reveal his true identity*?" she asked. "Are the two tasks really
that different from each other?"
---
Imran snaps his fingers. 'Just a moment...'
A short, brown-haired girl in a truly /bizarre/ yellow and green ensemble
pops into existence.
'Oh, thanks /so/ much...' she complains.
'Allie...' Imran says.
'Look, what do you need /me/ for?'
'You're my Muse,' Imran says. 'We /really/, *really* need an Authorial
Overview, so we know what's going on... and that Philip's plan doesn't go
splat.'
Allie sighs. 'All right...'
Her eyes unfocus. 'Okay... Gordon and Igor are chasing Yartek. Ninni's
introduced herself to our hostess, feeling very embarrassed and not a little
lost, with so many people around... and she's lost her cat, who got
frightened by Yartek. Daibhid's lost his bag... and said bag's currently
tap-dancing on Imran's keyboard.
'Bokman's followed Zoe to the Second's TARDIS, as Zoe collects some whipped
cream, Jim's lost his hat, and Auntie and the Ainley Master have hypnotised
Zorak and Phi1ip into strange and kinky escapades with the torture
chaise-longue and the silk bondage ropes.
'Our hostess's looking for some batteries for the TSV, as Sixth drags the
other Doctors together to reconfigure the TSV into Philip's (not Phi1ip)
Authorial Persona Manipulation Field Transference Projector... and the Typo
Gremlins seem to've got stuck to /you/...' Allie grins wickedly.
'Yes, yes...' Imran mutters.
'And there's the Spelling Flame Bringer which got /attracted/ by all those
Typo Gremlins...' Allie observes. '...Hmm. Philip believes he needs a
technobabbly explanation to enable him to change the Bringer. However... You
gave me the ability to do /anything/ - I /am/ your creative impulse, after
all, and that's the whole point...'
'Deus Ex Machina, Al...' Imran says. '/No/. Not this time. It doesn't fit
the story.'
'Hmm... Didn't you say you'd brought a magician's cabinet?' Allie says,
almost as an afterthought.
Imran starts to grin. 'Yes... and we should have /something/ in there for
this...'
'Found the TSV!' our hostess calls.
'And Sixth's got the Docs together...'
Imran rubs his hands together. 'Now, if I remembered to bring what I hope I
remembered in the cabinet, we should have everything we need...'
He grins. 'And a little extra.'
((Outside, meanwhile, someone else seemed to be arriving...))
* * * 5. A stranger on horseback * * *
/The avocado troll's quick ears have caught a sound from outside.../
---
In the evening gloom, the dull ringing of unshod hooves on the asphalt
can be heard for some time before the approaching traveler is visible.
As the noise gets closer, a careful listener could make out that it is
the sound of six feet, not four -- both horse and man are travelstained
and limping, and the passer-by has dismounted and is leading his weary
mount cautiously over the hard surface. He looks edgy and somehow out
of place as he comes into the radius of light spilling from the open
doors.
From inside the sound of the party is becoming raucous, and there are
still a few late-comers pushing their way sheepishly in. None of them
seem to have noticed the new arrival; but then this is precisely how he
likes it.
He doesn't quite know how he ended up here, but the wild goings-on
inside, however daunting, offer a more welcoming face than this
manicured dullness of endless square houses and paved roads in which he
has been lost for so long. For a moment he hovers on the edge of the
lawn, scowling. Then, as another gust of laughter sweeps out from
behind the doors, he seems to come to a decision. He leads the horse
over to a quiet corner of the lawn and lets go of the bridle, reaches
round to pull down a worn Gladstone bag -- which appears to contain all
his worldly possessions -- from behind the saddle, and makes his way in
towards the source of the hilarity without a backwards glance.
The horse looks after its master's departing figure for a moment, then
drops its nose and browses tentatively. But it is too weary to take any
real interest in grass, let alone in wandering off, even though it has
been left untethered, and it is soon standing splay-hipped in the
darkness in an exhausted doze.
The glowering stranger, bag in hand, pushes through the door and is
immediately stopped in his tracks, blinking, by the scope and
strangeness of the festivities going on inside -- and the sheer scale of
the place. For a moment it looks as if he is about to back out again
hurriedly; then a sudden ripple in the crowd blocks him off from the
exit and thrusts him into a corner by one of the tables.
He retreats rapidly against the wall and stares round wildly, tensed
into a half-crouch, as if expecting the shoving of the other guests to
prelude an attack of some kind, but nothing happens. Finally, as
no-one seems to take any notice of his unexpected arrival, he apparently
begins to relax. After a while, straightening up, he takes off his
battered coat and hat, and drapes them over the bag at his feet.
The traveler is revealed as a stocky dark individual of medium height and a
somewhat shifty expression, with a bristling black mustache. He is dressed
in a loose hide vest, jeans, shirt and boots that were obviously never
fashionable even when new, and which since that long-distant time have
clearly seen many days' hard work. At the moment he carries with him a
general aroma of horse, with a certain additional edge that suggests at
least a week of unwashed journeying; on the other hand his nails are clean
and he has obviously taken the trouble to shave at some point today.
The table at his elbow holds a selection of appetizing-looking meats that
smell tantalizingly good. He helps himself, glancing round edgily as if
expecting to be stopped, and starts to tear into the food with more
enthusiasm than politeness, as if he has not had a square meal in several
days. Once the edge is off his appetite, he ventures a foray to the
neighbouring stall. Here a handful of party-goers who are obviously old
acquaintances are holding a heated discussion on the merits of various types
of beer. The stranger rapidly acquires a beer in each hand and retreats out
of the conversation back to his corner, where he swallows down the first
glass in one gasp, and takes a deep draft from the other while observing the
ebb and flow of the rest of the company around him.
He's seen some strange folks in his time, but nothing quite like these
'trolls'. They seem harmless enough, though... and after all the notice
did say 'ALL WELCOME'. A few of the more confident guests, spotting the
newcomer lurking on the edge of the crowd, even try to strike up a
conversation without much luck. Still, though the stranger continues to
give the appearance of a man whose nerves are on edge, and his hand
keeps sliding under the edge of his vest as if to reassure himself by the
solid presence there, it gradually becomes plain that he is not so much
jumpy as simply uncertain of his reception.
---
The avocado troll's large ears twitched. "Excuse me," she said to Ninni,
"There's something I must attend to." She wandered over to the large water
trough that stood against a back wall, and moved her fingers quietly in the
air above it, as if flipping switches that weren't there. The smooth,
reflective surface of the water rippled, and the trough's true purpose was
revealed: her TARDIS' scanner. Sure enough, her hearing had not deceived
her. There *was* a horse on the lawn, and he was looking rather worse for
wear. She sighed. The "crisis" with the Flame Bringer had yet to come to a
head, and she still had responsibilities as a hostess. Luckily, this year,
she had a deputy. She called the turquoise troll. "There's a horse outside
that looks like he needs some TLC."
The smaller troll started jumping up and down. "A horsey? I *love*
horsies!"
"Yes, dear, I know... So do I. But this creature may be skittish, so be
careful. Bring him round to the other stable in the back -- give him one of
the big box stalls. And make sure he has plenty of water." She paused,
thoughtful, looking at the creature in the scanner. "Give him some beet
mash and oats, too. ... and it looks like he's lame in his right hind leg.
You know where the jar of special liniment is?"
The little troll nodded excitedly. "Yes, yes, yes!" she said, "I'll make
the horsey all better!"
The hostess smiled. "I know you will, dear," she said.
As her deputy trotted off to make a new friend, she turned her thoughts to
the horse's rider. Chances are, he'd need some tlc, too. "Somehow," she
thought to herself as she went in search of him, "I don't think he's from
the same quadrant of the Fictiverse as the rest of us... I wonder how he
ended up here... Still, he may be able to help out. Things sure have gotten
strange since the 'newcomer' interrupted our reel."
(Since the only flames around were still the multicolored sort from the
gremlin repellent, her doubts that he was *really* a flame-bringer were
beginning to grow, she was beginning to think that there was something much
bigger at stake, and she was getting uneasy waiting to discover what that
was -- like the dreadful stillness and heat that hang in the air before a
tornado hits).
---
Finishing the last swallow of his second beer, the stranger lets his
watchful guard slip for a moment as he sets down the glass on a nearby
table. When he turns back, there is a squat, grinning green creature at
his elbow.
The corner of the table lifts sharply and crashes back against the floor
as he backs off abruptly. There is a pallid cast to his swarthy skin,
and dark eyes, wild-rimmed with panic, are riveted on the waddling
thing. His right hand has darted under his vest. For a split second he
seems not only insane but very, very dangerous...
But the large flapping ears and feet are irresistibly comic. Far from
flinching, the avocado-green troll gives him an almost reproachful look.
Finally, it dawns on him that the outstretched hand is holding nothing
more threatening than a paper bag, half-open, which is being offered in
his direction.
The troll, observing the confusion on his face, gives him a wide and
friendly smile. "Have a jelly-baby?"
As if mesmerized, he watches his hand dip into the bag and emerge with
a rubbery orange candy. He blinks down at it. He's seen this ritual
played out before, on other guests... As the adrenalin rush of surprise
fades, he recognizes this creature, and remembers the way the crowd
always seemed to centre around the energetic little figure. He knows
well enough how to read a room; it's a skill to pick up early if you
care to keep your hide in one piece.
The traveler jerks his head in a nod of respectful acknowledgement.
"This your party..." (he hesitates, taken aback by an unexpected
problem, and finally making a resolute guess) "...Miss?"
The troll shrugs it off, her grin widening even further (quite some
feat!) "This is our second Annual Pro-Fun Troll Hoe-down," she tells
him. "You seemed a bit out of it - so as chief Pro-Fun Troll, I came to
say an official 'welcome'!"
The stranger looks a mite uncomfortable. "'Fun's not really been in my
line much so far, I guess," he confesses. "But I'm mighty grateful for
your hospitality. I was about all in when I got here."
He glances down at his fingers, and pops the jelly-baby into his mouth.
Judging by his expression, the flavour wasn't quite what he was
expecting. For a moment he looks about set to spit it out onto the
floor; then, catching his hostess' eye, he swallows hurriedly, and
proffers her a somewhat cautious hand in his turn.
"I go by 'Kid Curry', mostly. There's some that say I'm half-crazy, but
then I never cared much for any of them either." He brushes his free hand
across his mustache in a nervous gesture, looking down at her. "You got
a name?"
The avocado-green troll introduces herself, and proceeds to name sundry
other regulars in the crowd. But after a dozen or so names have spun by
her guest is starting to look distinctly overwhelmed and panicky again,
and she stops, with a rueful grin. "You'll get the hang of us all in no
time," she reassures him, reaching up to award him a pat on the arm and
carefully schooling herself not to notice the flinch from her touch that
follows. "But if you can manage here now, I really must dash - there
were a couple of problems earlier on, and I'm afraid things may have
gotten a touch out of hand..."
She turns and starts to trot off rapidly, but after a moment she catches
the sound of hesitant footsteps following in her wake and halts,
glancing over her shoulder in surprise. Almost equally taken aback, Kid
Curry meets her gaze awkwardly, a dark stain mantling his cheeks under
her searching expression.
"If there's anything I can do...?" He drops his eyes, plainly thrown
off-balance at finding himself making the uncharacteristic offer.
"Helping out's never been my style; but I reckon I owe you one."
At the thought of having this unpredictable individual anywhere near
trouble, the avocado-green troll's heart sinks despite herself. But
there is a queer yearning in the stranger's face - not so much puppy-dog
appeal as dawning hope in the gaze of a whipped and vicious stray - and
her Pro-Fun instincts get the better of her.
A welcoming smile hides the momentary dismay. "Sure, we can always do
with extra help. Why don't you come along?"
She hurries across the floor back to the assembled Doctors, where the
group's activity seems to have become suddenly hectic during her brief
absence. One tiny stray corner of her mind, listening to the uneven
steps at her heels, finds itself wondering absently meanwhile just how
to persuade a paranoid, footsore stranger into permitting her to treat
that limp.
---
((Meanwhile, back amongst the assembled Doctors...))
Imran, who's been very quiet during all of this, finally speaks up.
'I /think/... the reason no-one knows what it really is, is so we /can't/
change it in any way. So we can't get the story moving. In other words...
someone is trying to stop the story from moving forward.'
'So what we need to do is find out what it really is...'
'Hey! WHAT ARE YOU??' Allie yells.
The Flame Bringer turns around from where it's /still/ trying to get the
barkeep's attention. 'Tell me who I am. Tell me what I can be. Choose
my future. /Because I don't know what I'm becoming.../'
'So *that's* it...' the Second murmurs. 'The Flame Bringer's already
changing into something, and it wanted /us/ to force that change!'
'But what's it becoming?!'
'Philip!' the Third commands. 'The APTFP, *now!*'
In a matter of seconds, the Doctors are at work on the APTFP.
((Our hostess hurries over, Kid Curry in tow.))
* * * 6. Sailor Gallifrey held captive * * *
/No-one seems quite sure what the Flame Bringer is.../
---
Imran was just finishing his theory about how someone or something was
deliberately trying to bring stagnation to the story just as the Hostess and
Kid Curry arrived.
She nodded. "Ninni noticed the same thing," she said. "Said something
about dangling story threads tangling up everything to keep the story from
moving forward. They're invisible, of course," she added. "But if you
focus, you can feel them, wrapping around everyone like sticky spider
silk...." She stopped herself before she went off on another tangent. "And
it's not just *our* story that's been knocked off course," she said, with
emphasis. "This is Kid Curry, and he seems to have gotten lost ... " she
paused, then added, as gently as she could, since she knew how embarrassing
it is to have people talk about you in third person while you're standing
right there (but this fellow didn't seem ready to speak for himself, quite
yet). "Whoever he is, he doesn't seem to belong in the Whoniverse. I think
whoever is trying to stop our 'mystery guest' from completing his mission is
also trying to stop Kid from reaching *his* goal, too."
"So maybe," Jo said quietly, as the idea was forming in her head, "the two
goals are related."
"But how?" asked Philip.
"Kid?" she asked, turning to him, "can you remember where you were trying to
go (or what you were trying to get away from) before you got lost? Can you
remember *why*?"
---
For a moment Kid Curry hardly seems to have heard her. He is staring in
Imran's direction, with a sort of mesmerized fascination directed, by
the looks of it, almost as much at the Bookworm's unfamiliar keyboard as
at the squirming purple knapsack-type object still trying to wind itself
around his ankles.
He shakes his head, blinking, as Our Hostess gently repeats the
question and she catches a glimpse of disbelieving wonder chasing across
the wary features. "Lost?... why yes, I guess I've gotten myself lost,
right enough..."
But as the implications of the question sink in, the momentary innocence
drains away, sharp nose and eyes coming instantly on guard. "Sure, I
remember why. I was on the run after pulling a liquor store job - that
good enough for you?"
He looks away, unable to meet her eyes despite himself. Then the dark
glance shifts again, a brief flicker up around the circle of faces as if
seeking an escape.
The gathered party guests shift their weight uncomfortably at this news.
"Well," someone in the crowd murmurs, "she was right about one thing -- he
doesn't belong in a 'Doctor Who' story."
"Have you not read many Virgin New Adventures?" asks Daibhid. Everyone,
including Kid Curry and the avocado troll, glare at him. "Just trying to
lighten the mood. Sorry."
As Kid continues laying out the details of his crime and his escape, the
guests find they have things to do elsewhere -- important things -- in the
far corners of the barn. Only the hostess remains at his side, not taking
her eyes off him. As with Lord Gallifrijan, she senses there is a field of
confusion around him, hiding his true identity. This time, however, it's
clearly self-imposed. So many years of being on the run, of hiding himself
from the authorities and lynch mobs had taken their toll. She wondered to
herself whether or not *he* even remembered who he'd been, once upon a time.
"The old man held out - wouldn't hand over the cash. I laid him out,
and he split his skull on the counter on the way down." His mouth
tightened. "There was maybe ninety bucks in the whole place - not
enough to get your head broke in for, not enough by a long shot...
Turns out he had a parcel of sons. Just about everyone in the whole
town must have been some kin of his, I reckon. They come after me, ten
or fifteen of them. I was a good way out by that time, but they just
kept coming."
Both hands are clenched now, shoulders riding high. "If there'd been a
bunch of us, we might have made a stand; scared them off maybe. But
there was just me, just the horse and me, and they all knew that country
like the back of your hand. Couldn't seem to shake them, no matter
how I tried. By the end I was running blind, chasing this way and that,
knowing odds were I'd make a wrong turn and they'd head me off -"
He bites off the words sharply on an indrawn breath and catches himself
back. One hand tugs at his mustache. "I thought it was a dust-
storm. Eyes play funny tricks when the dust gets to blowing; a man can
see shapes in the wind, and it won't mean a thing. But even if I'd
known - even if I'd guessed I wouldn't come out the far side, at least
not in any place I'd ever seen - maybe I'd have gone on through anyhow.
Maybe it wouldn't have made much odds."
:::A shape in a dust storm, the avocado troll thinks to herself, I'll have to
keep my eyes peeled for that on Titan Three.:::
His scowl dares the onlookers to comment. "You talk about stories that
can't find their way to an end. There was an finish to a story coming
up pretty clear and soon back then, and it looked like being mine... a
dirty little killing in a dirty little town at the back of nowhere, with
a rope's end waiting. Maybe I don't belong here... but just maybe I
don't find too much appeal in the notion of going back."
---
Kid's shoulders sagged, and his fists unclenched, but the culprit was sheer
exhaustion rather than a willing drop of his guard.
A voice broke into the silence that followed. "Maybe," it said, "*he's* the
one behind this mess. Maybe he's stopping our story to save his own life."
The troll shook her head. "No," she answered, quietly, "the trouble started
long before he got here. And I don't think, if he were behind it, the
effects of his actions could be detected as far away as Titan Three." But
her guest had a point. He *did* have a powerful motive to keep things as
they were. Even if he weren't the cause at the beginning, he could sure
make a mess for them later ... unless she could convince him to work on
their side. In the meantime, she had to make sure to minimize the danger to
herself and her compatriots.
Slowly, gently, as though reaching out to comfort a wild horse, she took
hold of one hand, then the other. Kid tensed once more and tried to pull
away, but she was stronger (and heavier) than she looked, and didn't let him
go. "Daibhid," she said, "I can't reach -- would you do the honors? I
believe you'll find a gun in under his vest on the left side. If you would
be so kind as to remove it, and put it somewhere safe?"
"A *gun*?" Daibhid asked, incredulous.
"Well, he *is* a 'Wild West outlaw', after all."
Cautiously, and with clear trepidation, Daibhid reached under Kid's vest,
and pulled out the offending weapon, holding its handle between thumb and
forefinger with a level of disgust usually reserved for a half rotten
oppossum found under the porch. Kid tried to resist, but with both hands
held fast, and his balance hindered by having only one sound leg, there
wasn't much he could do.
The troll nodded her approval. "There's a safe beneath the bar," she said.
"I suggest we lock it in there until the story is over."
Now without his weapon -- the one thing he had depended on to feel safe for
all these years -- Kid's defensiveness collapsed. His whole persona shrank
in on itself like a three-day old birthday balloon that had been left in the
rain.
"Come on," the troll said as gently as she could. "I think we should sit
down and talk for a bit.."
---
The crowd parted to let Daibhid through.
Finding his way to the safe he threw the gun in and slammed the door,
relieved he had managed this without shooting himself or anyone else.
"This is getting too much for me," he thought. "I really need that Irn Bru."
Pouring himself a glass of the orange stuff he noted the Rucksack chasing
the cats. "I'd better do something about that subplot of mine before it
interferes with the story," he muttered to himself.
"Not necessarily," came a voice from behind him. Turning, he saw Imran,
taking a break from the work on the APTFP. "Remember how that Rucksack of
yours worked with me and the typo gremlins? Let a plot thread loose and
someone else can pick it up later."
Daibhid stared. "There's half a dozen cats running around the BarnTARDIS
floor, and possibly more in the other rooms. How's that going to help
anyone?"
"I'm working on it."
"I wonder," Jim says. Several expectant pairs of eyes (and one or two
strays) turn his way.
"Well, I was just thinking. The Daleks have done wonders with static
electricity--they ran a whole city on it, if I recall correctly..."
The first Doctor perks up at this.
"Yes! Indeed they did, though Susan and I soon put paid to their plans,
didn't we?" He taps his nose thoughtfully. "Yes, yes, I begin to see! A
sufficient, erm, power source could cause a feedback loop with the
source of the authorial disprup, erm, disruption."
"Exactly!"
"Just one problem, my dear boy," the Doctor tuts, apparently oblivious
to the fact that he is addressing a horny troll. "How to harness it?"
Swooping in to snag one of the strays with his stubby trollish hand (and
surprised to find it takes two hands in his currently reduced
circumstances), Jim begins stroking the cat's fur in a soothing manner,
and in moments the cat is purring contentedly. A faint crackle of energy
is almost visible. Smiling, Jim reaches out to the nearest person and,
with a SNAP! and a blue spark, discharges the static electricity.
"Zapped," says the fifth Doctor, grinning.
"Exactly--and if we zap the source of the disturbance....well, perhaps
something will happen," Jim finishes lamely. "In any case, it'll be fun,
and the cats don't seem to mind!"
---
((At that moment...))
Allie gasps.
'Allie? What's wrong?' Imran asks.
'Someone's... Someone's trying...' Allie shudders. 'They're trying to stop
the story, I can feel it, trying to divert it into pointless action...
Trying to stop the creativity.'
Imran's eyes widen. 'Stagnation. And Sailor Gallifrey's out of the
situation.' He concentrates. 'No. No... No way. No way does the story end
here. Allie...'
Allie starts flickering.
In and out.
In and out.
'Imran...?'
'Hold... on...' Imran murmurs. 'Just a bit longer... Fighting the
stagnation...'
Our hostess turns to Philip. 'Do it, Philip. Someone's trying to stop us
from finding out the Flame Bringer's true identity - and trying to stop
/him/, too. We have to help him.'
'Hold on. Hold on... Need to keep the story going.'
'Finished!' the Third announces. 'Philip, it's all yours. Activate the
APTFP. Speed the Flame Bringer's change up. Before the story can stagnate.
*Now*!!'
Philip nods, and leaps for the APTFP's controls.
---
((And in Another Place...))
"Let me go, you snivelling piece of rhinoceros pizzle!"
A young woman in a fuku was struggling against her supernatural bonds,
her unseen captor laughing with glee.
"I must admit that while your insults amuse me, your do-good attitude
does not. Your meddling in my affairs will cost you... and your
friends... dearly..."
"I won't let you do this."
"However do you think you will stop me?"
"There's a way. There's *always* a way."
The figure turned back to its 'project.'
And Sailor Gallifrey, for the first time as a living planet-entity in
a Senshi outfit, began to doubt she could actually do anything this
time.
"Gods help you, Doctor... because right now, nobody else can," she
whispered.
---
Allie, her flickering form a bit more stable, gasped. "She hears us!" she
said. "Sailor Gallifrey hears us!"
"And she's coming to help?" Jo asked, hopefully.
Allie's face fell. "No," said. "She's being held captive, and can't break
her bonds."
"Where *is* she?"
"I'm not sure," Allie replied. "But she's with our villain, I think."
---
A flash of absolute horror surged through the Hostess, as searing as a flash
of lightning, as red as blood. "*No*... Not that --" she said, which,
despite being barely spoken aloud, brought all the dancing and laughing to
an absolute halt, as every one of the guests turned their attention to her,
"-- anything but *that*!!"
But Our Hostess didn't even notice. She ran to their "mystery guest" as
fast as her short legs could carry her, and tore away at the tangle of
sticky story threads that had begun to engulf him like a cocoon. Before
long, she saw the hem of an old familiar cloak, and the faint smell of
banana daiquiri filled the air around him.
"Lord Gallifrijan?" she asked, hope and worry mingling in equal measures in
her voice, "is that you?"
She was answered with a muffled affirmative.
"Quickly!" she called to the others behind her. "Help me get him free. We
have to save him!"
"But from *what*?" Philip asked.
"Someone, somewhere," she answered, "is trying to destroy the magic of
storytelling itself!"
((Meanwhile, Jim Vowles had noticed their earlier concern over the stagnation...))
* * * 7. Emergency! - the Reset Button * * *
/Jim has a desperate solution to offer for the stagnation.../
---
"I'm sorry, I've been trying to get this bloody hat off my head for the
last half-hour," says the Jim troll, interjecting his haberdashified
(and temporarily transmogrified) cranial appendage into the
conversation. "But I always keep one of these around for emergencies."
Emerging fully from the swirly-whirly special effect, he mutters "go on
then, go bother someone else" and the temporo-spacial anomaly scuppers
off happily. Jim takes a deep breath and pulls a large, leatherbound
copy of Hitchhiker's Guide from his voluminous robes. However, the book
is a fake, designed purely to hold one object.
It is a black box, roughly the size of a paperback novel, and with the
same glossy-paper shine to its surface. A dimly glowing red button is
set in the exact middle, and gold-scripted alien writing rings the
button itself. Below the button, the words "PANIC BUTTON" appear in
large, friendly letters, though someone has written "DON'T" above them,
using a tin of Liquid Paper.
"Behold," Jim says with reverential awe, "the dreaded Reset Button.
Rumour has it that a special button was crafted for each season of Trek,
allowing writers to conveniently forget all character development,
backstory, and any other perceived 'clutter' between stories or between
seasons. This is why there are thirty-five stories about Data wanting to
be a real boy, several dozen about Worf dealing with his Klingon
heritage, and so forth."
As the others look on, amazed and somewhat fearful, Jim continues.
"This very button holds great power. According to my source, it was used
once and only once during all of Trek--at the end of season one of Next
Generation."
"The one with the brain bugs?"
"The very same."
A timid hush falls over the room. Jim carefully returns it to the book
and lovingly closes the cover. With a flourish, he hands it to the
Mistress of the Hoe-down.
"My lady, I place this in your care. If you believe it is needed, you
may use it. But be warned! I understand that a certain book editor has
something similar, and it's caused no end of trouble amongst the
fanboys."
And with that, Jim folds his arms and beams expectantly at her, awaiting
a response....
---
"Oh... FLIP!"
This not being the response which Jim was expecting he turns, surprised, to
see Daibhid putting a remote-control-sized device with a single button
labelled "Deus Ex Machina - Do Not Press" back in the Rucksack.
"My big chance to be relevant to the plot," he mutters. "Back to the
cat-herding then, I guess."
---
The hostess paused in her efforts to free Lord Gallifrijan from the tangled
mass of story threads long enough to acknowledge their offers with a smile
for each of them. The truth was, she was a tad overawed by the great amount
of trust they place in her, but there's no time to let that slow her down.
"I don't think we need to go to quite so drastic measures ... yet." She
turned back to her task, tearing away at the sticky cocoon with a vengeance
as she spoke.
"Don't you see?" she asked, "it's been in front of our noses the whole time:
first, it was the typo gremlins, then it was the mirage of the 'flame
bringer', then it was Yartek. Someone -- or something --" she repeated,
"has been trying to stop our story from continuing, and each time --" she
paused again while she shook a particularly sticky and nasty mass of
dangling plot lines from her fingers "-- each time we've gotten close to
discovering the truth," she continued, "an even bigger disruption has been
thrown our way. It was the entrance of Mister Kid Curry here," she said,
nodding to her reticent guest with a smile, "that finally made it all clear
to me. *He*," she explained, "has been taken out of his own story
completely. It's not just *our* story that's under attack -- *it's ALL
stories EVERYWHERE!* If we don't stop the villain -- whoever is doing this,
*we* might end up scattered through American soap operas, or history books
about World War II, or show up in some poor family's genealogical record --
or worse, we could simply cease to exist!"
"But who would do such a thing?" Imran asked. "Not the Black Guardian
again?"
"No, I don't think so. I imagine that Eris has him on a pretty tight rein
after the mess he caused last year."
"The Valeyard?" Daibhid asked.
Lord Gallifrijan, now free from most of his wrapping, coughed and sputtered,
and spit out the last of his gag. "No, not the Valeyard -- he's actually
the one who sent me. He came back to Gallifrey from Titan Three to warn us
about some very disturbing anomalies that started showing up in the temporal
fields around there. He said you lot would be the best people to ask, since
you all saved him last year."
"Does that mean that we have to go to *Titan Three* to solve this?"
"I'm afraid so," the hostess replied.
"But that's the most depressing planet in the galaxy!"
"I know -- but all the more in need of some Pro-Fun agitation, right?" She
tried to sound enthusiastic as she said this, but wasn't quite sure she
succeeded.
"But if all the pro-fun trolls get depressed," Daibhid said, "the universe
will be doomed!"
"I know," the hostess said, "that's what's worrying me."
---
((Then...))
...for the second time that night, a lightbulb flashed above the avocado
troll's head. "The 'Authorial Persona Manipulation Field Projector' --" she
asked the Doctors, "is it working?"
"Yes," the fifth said. "But we don't need it now, do we? How is that going
to help us?"
"Here's how!" She snapped her fingers and whistled, calling the one typo
gremlin who had gotten to Gordon's collection of fanzines too late to join
the orgy. "Here boy! Here ya go, a pair of niece jiucy typos!" As soon as
it flew within range, she scooped it up in her party hat and set it down on
the APMFP. "There! Now, it's an 'Authorial Persona Manipulation Field
*Protector*'! -- As long as the pro-fun trolls join in and become authors,
they'll be protected from outside influences, such as depressing
atmospheres, and meddling villains.... At least I hope so."
Ninni looked at the outlandish contraption. "So this means we can
all do things purposefully now, instead of being sidetracked all the
time? Good."
The avocado troll turned to Philip. "Since this is your pet piece of
fictional engineering, I think you should do the honors."
"You sure?" Philip asked, a little nervously. "I don't have much experience
with this sort of thing."
The hostess nodded vigorously.
Philip reached out and hit the big purple button marked "on" and a quiet,
deep thrumming sound filled the TARDIS.
"Right!" the hostess said, heading for her console room. "Time to go to
Titan Three. Brace yourselves, everyone!"
---
"Excuse me," Ninni intercepted her hostess, "will the transit take
long?"
"Not at all, not at all. We'll be there in no time."
"In that case... If you'll excuse me for a while. I'll be back
soon!"
All during this conversation she had kept a wary eye on the Master,
the happily pot-potting snowgrouse on his arm, whom she had noted was
now purposefully making their way towards the Fifth Doctor. She would
have to act quickly if she wanted to counter their evil plans. She
fairly ran up to the Doctor, grabbed his hand and began dragging him
away. "Come on. We have urgent business elsewhere, right now. And then
you can tell me all about Titan Three afterwards."
((Meanwhile, the hostess seized her chance to talk to Kid Curry...))
* * * 8. Is Kid Curry really guilty? * * *
/The avocado troll slips off to talk to Kid Curry.../
---
Kid let himself be led away as meekly as a newly weaned puppy. The troll
brought him to a side room off the main hall and sat him down in the big red
armchair where she liked to take her afternoon naps, and pulled up a three
legged stool and sat down next to him.
"Kid," she said, and waited until his eyes came around to focus on her. "I
can only imagine how frightened you must be, and not very well, at that. I
know you don't want to go back, and I sympathize. But it's not just the
*endings* of stories that are in danger -- it's their beginnings and middles
too. Do you want *all* of that to be erased? Think back to your own
beginning. Surely, there must be someone there you loved -- a parent, a
sibling, a pet..." she paused, and took a chance "...a sweetheart."
Kid took his breath in so sharply she might as well have punched him.
"Do you want to lose that, too?" she asked, after a moment. "Because it
will be lost, unless we do something to set it right."
Kid didn't answer, at least not in words, but his gaze turned inward, as
though he were focussed on finding his way through the maze of his memories.
The troll stroked the back of his hand while she waited for his decision.
It was then that she noticed the incongruity. "Kid," she asked, "If you
were on the run for your life until the moment you came into the cul-de-sac,
when did you get the chance to wash your hands and shave?"
He tensed again, the old hostility rising to the surface. "You callin' me a
liar?"
"No, not exactly, but..."
"But what?"
"Maybe whoever is messing with your story is messing with your memories as
well. Maybe you're not as guilty as you think you are."
---
Kid Curry turned away almost violently, staring down at the fingers she
held in hers. There was a long silence. Finally his other hand came up,
tracing along his jaw where the first rough shadow of beard was only
just beginning to show, and he shook his head almost helplessly.
"I was down in the valley, that's all I know. Down on the track with my
horse sinking under me and the hunt on the crest behind, and the dust-
storm came up to hide me, horse and all. And when it was gone... All I
remember is, it was night. First it was day and then it was night, and
I was in town, but it wasn't any town I ever saw. Where I was, in
between, all those hours... I don't know. I just don't know at all!"
They made an incongruous pair, the two of them; the drained dark face of
the outlaw, hunched in on himself against the winged back of the wide
red chair like a straw doll that had lost its stuffing, and the tubby
little troll with her feet curled up under the stool beside him. He'd
have laughed to see it, himself, not long ago - jeered until the victim
turned and drew, or else mocked him for a coward. You had to run with
the mob; keep your side up, or be pulled down in your turn.
More memories welled up, and he let out a quick half-sobbing breath of
laughter through clenched teeth. "I always knew I'd swing some day
for what I've done - but not like this. Not for ninety dollars and a man
I never meant to kill..."
He caught hold of the hand that was stroking his and pulled it towards
him, bringing her face up close to his own. "Makes a fine story,
don't it? Part of the time you're the hunter and the rest of the time
the hunt's after you - not a place to stay, not a friend to trust, not
a safe name to call your own. You kill, and kill just to stay ahead,
and all the time you're on the run. You take the cash, and somehow it
never lasts, and the story goes on - and then you hit the twist. That's
the end.
"You know it's the end, on account of it makes a better story that way.
You don't go down for all the stuff you've done; no, you go down for the
one time you tried to do right, or the one time you didn't aim to shoot
an old man and maybe should have. But it's the story says that's the
way it's got to be - just so as it can end like it ought to, on a
twist."
He took a deep breath. "But this time it looks like something went
wrong, doesn't it? Looks like I got twisted clean out of the noose -
out of where I was meant to be. Looks like I got another chance -"
"No." The avocado troll is shaking her head sadly. "No, Kid, you
can't. You can't leave a story dangling like that. Sooner or later it
will start to come apart, and everyone in it - everyone in your past,
Kid, everyone who made you what you are. And if you let that happen,
then *you'll* start to go. And every story that touches yours. Your
whole world, and everyone you ever cared for - even the beginning."
Watching his face, she makes another guess. "Even before it all went
wrong."
Kid Curry says nothing; but the very silence is an admission. The spark
of animation has drained out of his face, leaving a stony mask. For a
moment she is afraid that she has lost him. "Listen." Her voice is
urgent. "What happened to you was a mistake - it has to be. Whoever's
doing this, the last thing he could possibly have wanted was to bring
you here - to us!"
She presses her point as a flicker of interest stirs almost unwillingly
behind his eyes. "That must have made your story unstable. He tried
to cover up for it, and the whole thing went off-balance. If we can get
at the memory of those missing hours, we might be able to get a clue as
to just how he's doing it, and work out a way to stop what's going on.
We need all the help you can give - and there's a chance -"
She breaks off, leaving the words dangling. He takes the bait. "A
chance?"
---
Her next string of words comes out in a rush. "What I mean," she says, "is
that maybe you have someone *else's* story in your memory -- maybe whoever
is doing this planted the memory of the murder and the lynch mob in your
head in order to get you off track -- in order to get you to run..."
"No!" Kid said, violently. "I know what I did. I know what it felt like to
hit that old man, the sound his head made as it hit..." For the first time
that night, his stony mask was broken, and he began to shake. He clenched
his fists to stop the trembling but with little success.
"I'm sorry, Kid," the troll said, trying to imagine the horror of having
your own story taken away from you. "But you have to admit, it did get you
to run right into that Time Scoop without thinking twice."
"'Time Scoop''?" Kid asked. "What in blazes is that?"
"It's a -- a --" She stopped suddenly. She hadn't realized what she had
said until she heard it echoed back at her. Was it really a Time Scoop?
Could the Time Lords really behind all this? She shook her head. No, not
even they could be so reckless. But she wouldn't be surprised if it was
similar technology.... Now, who would have similar technology, and why
would they use it?
"Think, Kid," she said to the astonished cowboy, not knowing how to answer
his question. "Think hard. Back *before* the hit on the liquor store, back
before you came to that town. Why did you shave? You were going to meet
someone, weren't you? Someone important. Someone you wanted to impress."
It was all a guess, of course, but she could tell by the subtle shift of
muscles around his eyes that she was hitting close to the mark. She just
hoped that she herself wasn't implanting false memories. "Who was it, Kid?"
she asked, urgently. "How would the story have gone if you had kept that
meeting, and not been swept off course?"
She watched his eyes, as his mind traced his steps back into his memory. At
last, he took a breath, prepared to speak, when the little turquoise troll
bounded into the room.
"The horsey's all better, Hoste-- /eep/!" she squealed, in spite of herself,
at the sight of Kid.
The avocado troll looked from one to the other. The reaction, it seemed,
was mutual. If Kid had been ready to say more, he was no longer.
She sighed. "It's okay, Dear," she said. "This is the horse's human. He's
going to rest here a while." She turned her mind to the other guests. "Do
they *all* know where we are going, and why? Have you told the Master,
Auntie, Zorak and Phi1ip?" she added, remembering that those four were
otherwise occupied when Lord Gallifrijan finally got his message to them.
"I -- I didn't want to interrupt them," the little troll said nervously.
"I'll do it," the hostess said. "I want to ask the Master about Time Scoop
engineering, anyway. I think we may need his help on this."
---
Kid Curry watched the two trolls dive into agitated conference. He'd
gotten a feeling it could somehow be vitally important to understand
what they were talking about - but it just didn't make sense. None of
it made sense... Where *was* he? What *was* this place?
One hand crept up to rub at his forehead almost desperately, as if
trying to erase the furrowed lines knitted there. Valeyard...
Gallifrijan... Time Scoop... And the worst of it was, it all sounded
familiar somehow. He didn't know what it meant, but he could have sworn
he'd heard it before. And that didn't make sense, because he hadn't.
He knew he hadn't. He knew where he'd been. He knew who he was - he
didn't have to like it, but he *knew*...
Only, suddenly, he didn't. Suddenly, he was in a place where stories
shifted and changed - where you could remember a murder out of the mind
of some other man - where a guy could be framed for a killing he hadn't
done, and even he'd believe it - Blind panic was nibbling at the back
of his mind.
No wonder these folks were scared. But at least they seemed to know
what they were talking about. He didn't. He was way, way out of his
depth, and he didn't know what to do.
For a long time after the avocado troll and her little companion had
hurried out, the fugitive huddled motionless in the chair, eyes closed,
jaw clenched rigid. Finally and unexpectedly, exhaustion got the better
of him.
When the avocado troll peeped back a while later, she found that her
guest's head had dropped forward against the side of the armchair. His
mouth was open, and she could detect a soft but very definite snore.
---
She smiled quietly to herself. :::The Napping Chair strikes again! she
thought::: Maybe he wouldn't exactly be right as rain when he woke, but
perhaps his memories would sort themselves out through his dreams.
She took a deep breath. Time to do what she had been putting off far too
long. Squaring her shoulders, she made her way through the milling crowd as
resolutely as she could, trying not to notice all the people who wanted her
to stop and explain what was going on.
"Erm," Imran said, finally, tugging hard at her elbow, forcing her to stop.
"We've arrived at Titan Three. What should we do now?"
"Sit tight for just a minute longer. There's something I have to do."
Going up to the 19th Century Italian Neo-Classical wardrobe, she knocked at
the door (With considerable bravery, *she* thought).
"Master? Auntie? Cardinal?" she called. "We've stumbled into a major
crisis. And we could really use your help!"
((The wardrobe door was ajar...))
* * * 9. In search of the Master * * *
/The avocado troll hopes to enlist the Master's help.../
---
The door of the wardrobe gradually fell open with a lugubrious creaking
noise, and the sound of the Master's chuckling could be heard echoing around
the space inside.
Distinctly un-nerved, the troll poked her nose closer to the threshhold. "I
can hear someone laughing in there... is that you, err, Master?"
The avocado troll gestured to Imran to come close and back her up, and then
thinking better of involving him, she turned to him and said, "Whatever you
do, don't follow me. This could be very dangerous."
With no further ado the troll ventured nervously into the wardrobe. She
stepped up through the real-world interface into a large black hexagonal
room, familiar roundel patterns on the walls, elements of each echoed in the
shape of the metallic black console at the room's centre. A strip of subdued
lighting around the very edge of the ceiling provided very dull illumination
of the contents of the room: a blank scanner on the wall, an interior door,
the console, and off to one side of the room another 19th Century wardrobe.
The troll sauntered across to it, and examining it closely, it appeared to
be an exact copy of the wardrobe she had just stepped into. After a moment
examining the lock of the wardrobe she sensed a presence behind her and spun
around to find Imran standing between her and the console.
"I thought I told you not to follow me."
"Yes, but I borrowed this communicator from Doctor number two - apparently
we can patch through to UNIT and call for help if we get into trouble."
Imran's face fell. "Of course, that's if it works from inside the confines
of a TARDIS."
The troll frowned. "Well, at least we have safety in numbers. If two's any
better than one. Are you any good with locks, Imran?"
"Not particularly, but then these wardrobes didn't use particularly
complicated locks! I'll give it a go!"
After a few minutes of manipulation, first using a similar type of key to
the shape of the lock, and then the antenna of the communicator, Imran
finally succeeded and the interior wardrobe's door fell open.
"Do you have a feeling of deja-vu?" the avocado troll asked.
"You're wondering whether there might be an infinite recursion of
wardrobes?" Imran smiled.
"For some reason, that thought had occurred to me..."
"Unlikely. I think the Master has simply materialised his TARDIS around the
original SIDRAT wardrobe. After you," Imran smiled.
"Erm... thank you, I suppose!" the avocado troll grinned.
The interior of the second wardrobe was much smaller than the TARDIS; done
out in rather plainly varnished walnut, and with a greatly diminished
control console at the centre of the room.
"Hmm, very season fourteen..." muttered Imran under his breath.
"What did you say?" the avocado troll asked.
"Not a Master to be seen. Nor a Cardinal. Not even an Auntie." Imran
replied.
"So what do we do now? The Master must be somewhere else..." The avocado
troll turned to go out the same way she came in, and noticed a chaise longue
in the corner.
"That must be the chaise longue of unreasonable discomfort!" she murmured,
"We should get out of here..."
Cardinal Zorak and Phi1ip suddenly entered the SIDRAT, still with a glazed
look in their eyes, bearing silken cords in their hands.
"... before it's too late?" Imran glanced at the avocado troll, arching his
eyebrows.
"When I say run, run!" the avocado troll whispered to him, and looked
around. The SIDRAT had no interior door, and Zorak and Phi1ip were standing
right in the way of their escape...
---
"Oh, heh, heh..." the troll said, trying to look as though making a run for
it was the last thing on her mind. "*There* you are! We've been looking
for you guys." She backed away as casually as she could. "Listen, there've
been a few, erm, 'developments' since you ... er ... left the dance floor,
and things are a bit hairy right now --"
The Cardinal grinned in a wickedly intoxicated way. "Hmmm... 'hairy'," he
said, "I'll get the electric razor!"
"Nonono, No, NO!" the troll said quickly, "Th-that's not what I meant. I-I
think it's time for a quick recap of the story's main plot points. Don't
you, Imran?"
"What," he asked, incredulous, "*all* of them?"
"Okay, maybe not. The short version then," she said. And then, with a
rapid fire delivery that would make a professional auctioneer jealous, she
spit out: "The mystery guest (whom we thought was a Flame Bringer) is really
Lord Gallifrijan, who was bringing an emergency message to us from the
Valeyard on Titan Three, asking for our help. The reason it took us so long
to figure that out is that someone or something is deliberately interfering
with our story, first with the typo and tense gremlins, and then by making
all the dangling plot lines extra sticky. What's more, this someone or
something has dumped a spaghetti western outlaw named Kid Curry into our
fictiverse, and has thoroughly messed with Kid's memories in the process.
But, based on the bits and pieces of what Kid has said, I believe whoever it
is has pirated Time Scoop technology, and is trying to undo every story in
the multiverse. So I've piloted my TAR-- /EEp/!"
This abrupt end to her spiel was brought on by a dark shadow falling across
the doorway. Looking toward its source, the avocado troll found herself
staring up at the Ainley Master, dressed in full Dom attire, whip and all.
"I came looking for my slaves," he said, sounding almost apologetic. "They
were taking far too long. ...I only caught the tail end," he added. "Did I
hear correctly -- someone is trying to undo *every* story in the
multiverse?"
"That's right," the troll said, grateful that *someone* seems to have heard
her. "And I could really use your expertise on several technical matters."
"'*Every* story'?" the Master repeated. "Even erotica?"
"Even erotica," the troll replied.
"Sorry, boys," he said to Cardinal and Phi1ip, tossing the whip into the
corner. "Business calls." Catching sight of their puppy dog eyes, he
purred: "Don't worry, when this is all over, I'll make it up to you -- with
a vengeance! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!"
---
Grabbing the Master by one hand and Imran by the other, the avocado troll
hurried out of the wardrobe TARDIS, with Zorak and Phi1ip taking up the
rear. A questioning "Pot, pot, pot?" could be heard as snowgrouse Krizu
came out to see what all the fuss was about.
"Come on!" the troll said, "I have a sneaky feeling that if we don't do
something big, this story will be turned inside out!"
"By midnight?" Imran asked.
"I wouldn't be surprised." As she stepped out of the TARDIS, she was
grateful to see that her guests were still there. It had gone so quiet, she
was afraid everyone had called their various pet vehicles and gone home.
Even though many of the partiers were dozing or milling around glumly, she
breathed a sigh of relief.
"What happened?" Phi1ip asked, a dazed look of relief and disappointment on
his face to be free from the Chaise Lounge of Unreasonable Discomfort.
Several in the crowd turned to see who he was talking to, and gasped.
"The Master!" Third bristled. "What's *he* doing here?"
"That's okay," Fourth reassured him. "We've worked together before, when
the universe itself was in danger, and something tells me it's in danger
again."
Our Hostess nodded. "That's right," she said. "As many of you may have
noticed, our story has fallen victim to nearly threat that a story can: typo
gremlins, dangling plot lines, out of place characters --" she paused, and
waved down her deputy. "Speaking of which, would you go see if Kid Curry is
awake?" she asked. "He needs to be in on this."
The turquoise troll ran off, returning shortly with a groggy-eyed cowboy in
tow.
"Good," the avocado troll said, nodding authoritatively. "And now, it faces
the greatest danger of all," she continued, "stagnation! Even Imran's muse
can hardly withstand the strain." And she indicated Allie, who was now as
dark and transparent as a reflection in water.
"Allie, no!" Imran cried, running to her side. "Hang on! I can't lose you
now!"
"I fear it is the same for all the muses throughout the universe -- even the
original nine -- and *they're* goddesses! I believe that someone, or some
group, is deliberately trying to rip every story in the universe to shreds
-- and more than that, to destroy the art of narration itself, so that no
new stories can be made."
"But why?" someone in the crowd asked. "What does it all mean?"
"I don't know," the hostess replied. "But if we don't do something soon,
all stories -- both fiction and non fiction, will disintegrate. The
Valeyard, here on Titan Three, has detected some strange dimensional
anomalies, and he sent for our help. So we're here to find him, and learn
more. I need you -- all of you -- to do your best to fight the stagnation
you feel, and roll this story onward!"
Zorak piped up behind her: "This thing doesn't roll along on wheels, you
know!"
"That sounds familiar," First said. "Yes, yes... I wonder where I heard it,
hmm?"
The avocado troll turned to the Cardinal and grinned. "You're a genius!"
she said. "*Wheels!* Of course... why didn't I think of that?"
She turned to Kid. "We have a bit more traveling to do," she said, "and I'm
thinking you'd be more comfortable riding ... naturally ... than jostling
along with *this* lot," and she indicated the motley crew around them with a
sweep of her hand.
Kid gave a brief nod. "Much obliged... Miss," he said.
She nodded. Turning to her deputy, she said: "Help Kid tack up, and lead
his horse outside, please. I have some ... adjustments to make."
She hurried to her water trough console and moved her fingers in the air, as
though flipping invisible switches (which is, in fact, exactly what she was
doing). There was a brief, mechanical "thrum" throughout the barn, and when
it was over, the troll went to the door, to see what the finished effect
was.
The real world interface was no longer a small grey suburban house, but a
full blown circus wagon, led by a team of 12 android white horses with
bright purple and fuchsia ostrich plumes adorning their bridles. "Hm. I
was going for a wild west stagecoach," she said to herself, "but considering
my guest list, this is probably more appropriate." She turned back to her
guests to call out a final warning. "Brace yourselves, this will probably
be a bumpier ride than you're used to!" she called out. And then she
climbed up to the driver's seat.
"What's this?" the troll asked, noticing a big red button on the seat beside
her. She pushed it, and rollicking calliope music blared all around them.
"Of course!" she said. "'Calliope' -- the muse of epic poetry. Of all the
Greek goddesses to protect our adventure from here on, *she* would be the
best!"
She took the twelve golden reins in her hands, and cracked her whip.
They were off -- a garish circus wagon driven by a little green troll, with
a wild west cowboy galloping alongside. The dust of Titan Three had never
been stirred like that before.
* * * 10. The Circus Wagon on the plains of Titan Three * * *
/As the wagon began to roll.../
---
It took a while for Bokman to notice the change in locale, having been absorbed
in a philosophical discussion with Zoe over the nature of rock quarries and
their importance to the structure of the cosmos.
"I don't understand. Why is moving the party to Titan Three going to help
matters?" he asked.
"It's the climate," replied Zoe. "Apparently the atmosphere of this planet,
though hospitable to humans, is very hostile to Typo Gremlins and other
annoyances."
"Well I'll be.... Here I thought it was just a remote planet with a few
Jocondans running about."
"Everyone makes that assumption. That's what makes it such a good planet to
escape to in events like this one."
"So what now? I haven't exactly been following events."
"Neither do I. Be a dear and freshen my drink, will you?"
Bokman headed to the bar, listening for any news of what the avocado troll
had planned.
---
"So," he asked the bartender, as he handed over two tall glasses for a
refill of True Millennium Time Bombs, "What's the lowdown so far?"
"Well," the bartender said, with a casual drawl, "The guy we thought was a
flame bringer is actually Lord Gallifrijan (a real character the party met
up with last year when they accidentally got transported to Gallifrey -- I
wasn't there, myself, but I've heard the rumors), he brought an urgent
message from the Valeyard, who (so I understand) is here for the hermitage
that Six never got around to. Apparently, there's real trouble brewing,
that only Pro-Fun trolls can handle. So Our Hostess brought us here so we
could sniff it out."
Bokman nearly choked on his drink. "The *Valeyard*?! Why would pro-fun
trolls want to have anything to do with *him*?"
"As I understand it, they saved his hide last year when he got tangled up
with the Black Guardian, and almost became a tool in the destruction of all
of cyberspace. The story goes that this lot here --" and he indicated the
whole milling crowd with a nod of his head, "tickled, danced, and water
ballooned all the nastiness right out of him. He's on our side, now."
"Well, I'll be..." Bokman said, trying to get his mind wrapped around all
this information. His efforts were interrupted, however, by a call from
Zoe. He quickly picked up the two drinks and headed back in her direction.
"Oh, and one more thing --" the bartender added before he left, "whoever is
trying to disrupt our story and causing all this trouble has dropped a wild
west outlaw into our reality. Real shady character named Kid Curry...
wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, myself. He's milling around
here, somewhere."
---
Meanwhile Cameron was still at the Buffet Table, where the suspicious yellow
dip remained untouched, trying to decide between Creme Chocolate Cheesecake
or Chocolate Creme Cheesecake.
He heard the commotion.
"Should I join them?" he wondered. "Should I help them?"
"Nah!"
And making up his mind, Cameron grabbed a slice of each cake.
----
A groovy troll with a plush Gengar strapped to his head quickly took
hold of each of Cameron's wrists and slapped his cake filled hands
into his face, leaving Cameron covered in much Chocolate, much Cream
and much Cheesecake...
[Gordon:] "I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!"
----
Cameron started licking himself like a cat.
When he was finally clean, he exclaimed:
"Great! Now how am I supposed to decide which cake is better? Guess I'll
have to grab another slice of each!"
And headed back to the Buffet Table for another slice of each cake.
----
Bokman, noticing the commotion, asked "Where can I get one of those plush
Gengars?"
"£4.99 from Tescos..."
One swipe of a debit card later, and Bokman handed one of the adorable
extradimensional plush toys over to Zoe. "Thanks!" she exclaimed. "Normally
I don't collect stuffed toys, but I just can't resist this!" The accumulated
cuteness of Zoe cooing over a plush toy made Bokman dizzy, and he promised
himself that next year he'd tone the self-indulgent companion seduction
fantasy down a notch.
---
"Hope your Muse is refreshed. Things are going at a fair clip now." :)
Gordon looks over at the bouncy castle, where his muse is running
around and bouncing like a six-year old on a massive sugar rush.
Think Tasmanian Devil then multiply by ten.
"Yeah, I suppose 'refreshed' would be one word to describe it..." :)
"Woohooo!!! It's great to see you back." :)
---
((Meanwhile, belatedly...))
A distant rumbling could be heard from the cul-de-sac, soon a purple and
green camouflaged tank pulled in and ran over a Daihatsu Midget then came to
a halt. The hatch opened and out popped a head wearing a furry purple top
hat. He looked around the cul-de-sac seeing if he could recognise any of
the myriad of vehicles surrounding him. A large smile formed as he spotted
a camouflaged u-boat on monster truck wheels parked in a driveway across
from him.
"I'm in the right place, come Barry we have work to do"
The purple-hatted man hoisted himself out the tank and jumped to the ground
below him, a black cat soon followed. He was dressed in a baggy pair of
combat trousers and trainers. In one hand was a plush Gengar.
Barry hoisted himself out muttering something about a rope. He was heavily
built with a red vest and a ginger beard, he stumbled out of the tank and
proceeded to follow his associate. They both approached the house with
caution trying not to look suspicious watching as others entered. Suddenly
the purple-hatted man stopped and motioned Barry to his side.
"Okay our mission here is to infiltrate the facility without attracting any
attention to ourselves. We have no idea what may be inside, god knows what
kind of vile experiments are being conducted in the vast underground
laboratory facilities hidden below this house."
"There must be a backdoor somewhere. Maybe we should find it first,"
suggests Barry.
"No," says the mysterious man, "I have a better idea."
The attentions of the occupants of the TARDISbarn are suddenly grabbed by a
large bang at the entrance. They turned to see a large pyrotechnic display
go off at the barn door. Purple and green fireworks shot all over the barn
and two rows of flares lit up from the doors. Inbetween the flares walked
two men to the sound of heavy music, one with a purple hat, the other with a
ginger beard. The music died down and the mysterious hatted man produced a
microphone out of nowhere. He raised his hand to the crowd as if to speak--
A voice is heard from the back of the barn. "Bloody 'ell...it's *him*!"
"--Have no fear," he said, "Saville is here."
Silence followed, nobody knew who this man was or what he was doing here.
Nobody but...
"Saville? Why the flip is he calling himself Saville? Maybe he thought
there would be some Simons here already?"
Gordon walks up to the newcomer, carrying a frying pan in one hand and
dragging an unconscious Voord by the flippers with the other. He points the
frying pan accusingly.
"You're late. I cuss you bad. What took you so long? You been messing
around with Mr. T's bins again? Why did you bring Barry? You looking for
zombies again?"
"Well, I see you're missing the cuddly Gengar from your head..."
"Yeah, Yartek ate it..."
Simon....sorry, Saville whips his other hand from behind his back to
reveal a replacement Gengar which he proceeds to stick on Gordon's
head.
Gordon drops the frying pan and Voord, and the two figures start grooving
mightily.
"Funkier than the Mario brothers!" shouts Gordon
"Groovier than the Blues Brothers!" shouts Saville (the artist formerly
known as Simon)
They both shout together, "We are the magnificent Super Dempster
Brothers! Ready to save the paramultishiftyverse!"
They both grin in an endearingly loony fashion...
Barry and Igor look at each other and shake their heads in unison.
The black cat that was following Saville and Barry sneaks in and makes
itself at home on one of the comfy chairs beside the fire.
"So what's going on?" Saville asks.
"I'm only just back myself, I believe there's some sort of crisis and we
both know what to do when there's a crisis, don't we?"
"Panic?"
"Well, yes. But this is a pro-fun hoedown, so we take the crisis and
turn it into an entertainment opportunity!"
"How do we do that?"
"Well...."
---
((But elsewhere...))
"No! They're getting too close!"
Sailor Gallifrey allowed herself a small smile, despite her fetters.
"You can't defeat the Writers, you know. You take something away from
them and it makes them want to fight all the more. You of all people
should know better by now than to try and destroy creativity in any of
its forms."
"Be silent!"
She screamed as pain coursed through her, blue flame crackling as it
licked at her skin. It stopped as suddenly as it began. Her eyes
hardened as she glared at her adversary.
"You can't kill me. Not while the spirit of Creativity lives. And it
*will* survive!"
"I may not be able to kill you, Senshi, but I *can* make you
suffer..."
Through the torture, she fixed her gaze upon her staff, out of her
reach across the room, held by a forcefield. If only she could get to
it, get out of this infernal contraption...
She summoned her energy, and sent her thoughts out to the motley band
of people currently travelling in what appeared to be a circus
wagon...
---
The air was cold and thin, and sharp enough to take a man's breath away
as the wagon gathered speed. Kid Curry let the wind blow the last of
the sleep out of his eyes, urging his horse up to run parallel with the
team leaders as the dust swirled out round the gaily-painted wheels. He
glanced back at the swaying wagon, then round at the wide horizon, his
mouth unconsciously crooked in what was almost a smile of disbelief.
This sure wasn't the way things had looked when he'd ridden in - but it
suited him just fine. Out of habit, he leaned back to check that his
bag was secure in place.
But the worn leather was gone. For a moment, the horse swerved sharply
as his other hand tightened unthinking on the reins, and he jerked its
head back with a scowl. Of course, he'd left his gear back in the barn
along with his coat and hat -
Barn? He blinked and shook his head, half-grinning despite himself, and
swung the horse wide to steal another glance over his shoulder at the
circus wagon. It sure did look real, right down to the curving gold in
the riotous tumble of letters on its side, and that green troll was one
wild driver. She had the fancy white horses racing flat-out across the
plain, bouncing in her seat at every lurch like an india-rubber ball,
both hands full of reins and the whip-handle wedged tightly between her
large bare toes. Despite the jolting of her perch, he glimpsed through
the dust the broadest of trollish smiles.
Automatically, Kid Curry pressed the horse further out from the wagon,
narrowed eyes scanning back along their trail, until the vehicle was all
but shrouded in the following plume, faint carnival music unreeling
through the air betwen them. No-one in sight - nothing in sight at all,
in fact. Maybe the folks round here lived like gophers, down in the
ground, or maybe this territory wasn't exactly inhabited... It wasn't
much to look at, and that was a fact. Just bluish dirt that flew up in
a fine spray under the pounding hooves, clinging to the horses' legs
like a night-time shadow. Blue dirt... He shrugged, not even letting
himself start to think about that one.
Spurring forward again through the dust, he rode up close to the box and
leaned over towards the avocado troll, who looked round as the hoof-
beats drew level. "You sure there's nothing round here can hurt us,
Miss? We're leaving a trail you could follow all the way from here to
yesterday, if you get my drift."
"Well," she shouted, over the calliope music, "There's not many people here
*to* follow us, except maybe a few atoning hermits, and perhaps a few
scientists. At least, that's who're *supposed* to be here... as for those
who're *not* supposed to be here, well, I'm tired of them playing hide and
seek with us. If they want to chase us down, then at least we'll finally
get to meet face to face, and get to *do* something about all the trouble
they're causing!"
---
The Sixth Doctor came out from the back of the wagon and sat down next to
the troll on the driver's seat. "Are you sure this is Titan Three?" he
asked.
"Positive," the troll said. "Why?"
"Well, for years, it's had the reputation for being the most depressing
place in the universe... And I'm not feeling depressed. Are you?"
She shook her head. "No, I'm not, now that you mention it. Hm. The APMFP,
you suppose?"
"No, it feels more *general* than that -- as though there's been a change in
the air...."
"You don't suppose it's the dimensional instability?" she asked, worried.
She knew how important it was to stop the disruption of stories, perhaps
more than anyone there. But she hated the idea that doing so would replace
hope with glum morbidity.
The Doctor didn't answer, he was staring straight ahead, shielding his eyes
from the sun with one hand. "Good lord," he said. "What's *that*?"
The troll looked where he pointed. Far in the distance, she could see
bright flashes of color that flitted and danced like tiny moths caught in a
butterfly net. Reaching into a vest pocket, she pulled out a miniature
telescope and put it to her eye. When the image came into focus, all she
could do was let out a long, incredulous whistle. She handed the scope to
the Doctor.
He looked through the scope for a long time without saying a word. Finally,
he handed it back to her. "Someone," he said, with the tone of someone
trying to make sense of a flying elephant, "has decorated that cave with
flags and whirligigs!"
The troll nodded at him, her grin wider than ever.
"The Valeyard?!" the sixth Doctor asked, incredulous. "*Him*?"
"It seems that our pro-fun attack on him last year really stuck with him.
Come on!" she said, urging her android horses even faster, "we have an
appointment to keep!"
Just then, the second Doctor poked his head through the wagon TARDIS doors.
"Put your team on auto pilot," he said, "and get back in here! The readings
on your scanners are all going haywire!".
The troll flipped a switch embedded in the reins and followed the second
Doctor back inside. "Going haywire?" she asked, following him to the water
trough. "How?"
"I'm not sure," he said. "... It's not exactly the same, of course,